Eagles’ third-string QB: Vick signing a slap in the face



BETHLEHEM, Pa.—With the sports world’s collective eye focused squarely on the City of Brotherly Love in the wake of the Eagles’ signing of embattled quarterback Michael Vick, Eagles third-string signal-caller A.J. Feeley says he understands the message sent by team management.

“I presume that the signing of a quarterback with a career completion rate of 53.8 percent is meant to light a fire under my ass,” Feeley scowled during a sparsely-attended press conference at Eagles camp on Friday. “Team brass obviously thinks I take for granted the mediocre standing one gains from being the emergency quarterback.

“But I swear to both of my fans, I will put forth just enough effort and make an adequate number of plays in practice to protect my status as the necessary evil on this roster,” Feeley added. “I dare Mike Vick to come in here and be average enough for the job.”

All reports stemming from the earth-shaking addition of Vick have made clear that the disgraced dogfighter will not compete with starting QB Donovan McNabb nor against prized youngster Kevin Kolb for their depth-chart positions. But Feeley was quick to note during his morning rant that it’s more important to look at what has been left unsaid: anything about A.J. Feeley.

“I guess I don’t fit in the Eagles’ plans anymore,” Feeley said. “Just when I was getting comfortable with the new clipboard, too—it just figures.”

Brian Jaxton, editor of the fanblog EaglesTakeOff.com, published a 1,500-word reaction to the Vick signing late Thursday night, but “Feeley” was not among those 1,500 words. “I kinda forgot he was on the team,” Jaxton said, flashing an insincere look of “my bad” to punctuate the statement.

PETA spokesperson Phil Denardo, in response to a question of whether his organization would rally around Mr. Feeley, uttered, “Who?”

Feeley, who speculated that the move was motivated by lagging A.J. Feeley jersey sales, said that he has a contingency plan if his pedestrian performance in camp isn’t rewarded by Philly.

“I’ll probably catch on with San Fran, which is where I thought Vick might land,” Feeley said. “I think either me or Vick could be the starter there. Those guys are horrible!”


Nerd seeks impeachment of senior class president

REINBROOK, Iowa—The halls of Reinbrook High School were rattled by Alan Naife’s petition to have the senior class president impeached due to his involvement with freshman girls, a group often considered the mating pool for upperclassman social outcasts.

Naife, a senior who doubles as president of the Key Club, conducted a series of investigations that found that senior class president Brian Ashford has a long history of scoring with underclassman females at RHS.

Naife, who went public with his findings via the school’s public address system Wednesday morning, believes such conduct is unbecoming to one who holds such a lofty position in student government.

Petitioner Alan Naife

Petitioner Alan Naife

“The underclassman girls should be considered out of bounds for successful bucks such as Brian Ashford,” Naife said after wresting the microphone away from the office secretary. “I urge you to sign my petition to throw Brian Ashford out of office.

“If studs like Ashford and [starting varsity quarterback Jake] Thompson continue scoring with freshman chicks, who will be left for those of us clinging to the lower rungs of the social ladder?” Naife added before being told to report to his second-period trigonometry class.

The laundry list of lascivious acts attributed to President Ashford begins at the year’s opening football game, when Ashford brought freshman debutante Rachael Warner with him and fondled her breasts over her blouse during the halftime show. From that moment on, Warner showed absolutely no interest in anyone who was not a card-carrying member of the “in-crowd.”

Naife was able to obtain this information by positioning himself underneath the bleachers in a spot closer to the field than Ashford and Warner, allowing for a clear upward angle. “Don’t question my methods,” Naife said, shrugging.

Naife also cited a direct strike made against him at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Naife had brought freshman Alicia Tadlow with him to the dance, but she ended up going home with the senior commander-in-chief after several exhibitions of risqué dancing.

“I bring a girl to a dance and this guy has to move in on me?” Naife asked. “You would think he could have found his own date.”

When contacted about the matter, Tadlow said Naife was nothing more than a chauffeur that night.

“I am only 15, so I couldn’t drive myself to the dance, and at the same time, my mother probably wouldn’t allow me to date someone as wild and appealing as Brian, so he couldn’t come pick me up,” she said. “I figured that Naife dweeb wouldn’t have a date, and he wouldn’t have the dignity to spare himself the embarrassment of a social setting like Homecoming, so I asked him if he could give me a ride to the dance. I guess he thought I was asking him out, which is fucking hilarious!”

Few signing on dotted line

Naife’s petition is failing to gain traction with the student body—the document had a paltry seven signatures as of seventh period Wednesday. Some students chalked up their lack of support to the prudish language used throughout the seven-page petition: “Men in power should not use such lofty positions for sexual gain. A presidential candidate should be more concerned with study hall issues and improved library selection, not whether the freshman girls are willing to ‘get shocked,’ whatever that means.”

“I got to page three and wondered what this guy’s problem was,” said Jeff Alexander, a junior whose activities include varsity basketball, camping trips, and keg parties. “Who doesn’t like pussy?”

All seven signatures, one of which was Naife’s, came from “geeks,” according to several sources.

Even if Naife’s struggle had more sympathizers, the president does not fear impeachment.

“The governing body that would impeach me would be the Scholar Senate,” Ashford explained. “All the freshman senators are chicks—five of whom are on ‘the list.’ They’ll never get the necessary two-thirds vote.”

Spirit squad disbands due to lack of spirit

West Haven spirit squad members are unable to generate crowd enthusiasm due to their lack of spirit.

West Haven spirit squad members are unable to generate crowd enthusiasm due to their lack of spirit.

WEST HAVEN, Iowa—Area boys’ basketball fans left the West Haven Senior High season opener with heavy hearts, as the Cowboys were handily defeated by the Vikings of Decorah High School, 68–33.

The double whammy? There’s nobody to cheer them up.

The West Haven Senior High School spirit squad disbanded midway through the third quarter of Thursday’s game after the girls were confronted with the realization that they had no spirit whatsoever.

“It never crossed our minds to screen the girls for spirit during tryouts,” said spirit squad adviser Jeana Clinton. “We mainly wanted to make sure we could find enough girls who wouldn’t turn up at the games in a drunken stupor. A tall hurdle, trust me.”

The squad, composed of six female students from the sophomore, junior, and senior classes at West Haven, was mostly silent during the game’s first half, and a planned halftime dance routine was scratched when the spirit squad members bolted for the parking lot for a smoke break.

The Decorah cheerleaders, well-known for immense pride in their school’s athletic greatness, decided to unleash a traditional tactic from their playbook: in unison, they shouted “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how ’bout you?!?!” in the general direction of the West Haven girls.

The gym was relatively quiet, as the game was in the midst of a timeout when the harmonized question was lobbed across the court at the West Haven spirit squad. Looks of terror crossed the faces of the six girls, followed by expressions of realization and, one might say, relief.

West Haven spirit squad captain Kaitlyn Sommers threw up a “W” gesture with her thumbs and forefingers, symbolizing a “whatever” sentiment, and all six girls tossed aside their poms and headed for the nearest exit. The silent tension in the gym was finally shattered by the nerds in the West Haven student section, who yelled out, “Strawberry shortcake, banana split, your team plays like a pile of SHIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT, STAND UP, SIT DOWN, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!”

A cursory reading of the tea leaves would have easily forecast the potential for desertion by the West Haven cheerleaders. The squad had struggled during the football season—aside from not leading the crowd in cheers a single time in nine games, the squad’s lone show of interest in the action on the field came from junior cheerleader Madison Jones, who entered an on-field melee initiated by her boyfriend, offensive tackle Bo Stevens, drawing a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary roughness in the process.

“It was arguably the highlight of the season,” said West Haven football coach Johnny Levi.

McCain camp debates pronunciation of “pwned”


PHOENIX—The strategic brain trust behind Republican Sen. John McCain’s bid for the White House spent the wee hours of Tuesday evening trying to decide how to pronounce the word “pwned.”

“That word is found in every general election discussion on the Internet, talking about how our team fared tonight,” says Steve Schmidt, McCain’s chief strategist. “And it’s true: our showing could not be summed up any better. Now I need to figure out how to say the damned word.”

Schmidt figured it would be wise to use a tech-savvy word properly during the myriad media interviews he will be forced to attend over the next few days.

“I wish I had even a good guess,” Schmidt says. “Is it ‘pooned’? How about ‘poaned’? Or perhaps it’s more of a Q sound, like ‘pwenned.’

“The last time the GOP got ‘pwned,’ in 1996, this sort of fancyspeak wasn’t more than a glimmer in some online gamer’s eye,” he added. “So these are uncharted waters for me.”

Schmidt said his gut told him it should be pronounced “pooned,” although he seemed to face strenuous objections from working-class hero Joe the Plumber and uber-asshole Karl Rove—they both were leaning toward “poaned.”

Schmidt says he consulted vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who dodged the question while somehow managing to bring William Ayers into the conversation.

“Now that the media have called it for Obama, I can finally tell her to shut the fuck up,” Schmidt sighed.

Philanthropic Cubs give unused champagne to poor African villagers

African villagers traveled long distances to receive free champagne courtesy of the underperforming Chicago Cubs.

African villagers traveled long distances to receive free champagne courtesy of the underperforming Chicago Cubs.

SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA—After finishing the regular season with 97 victories and home-field advantage throughout the National League playoffs, the Chicago Cubs decided it was OK to buy enough champagne to meet the demands of three locker-room celebrations.


Each case of champagne included a handwritten note from Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry.

Each case of champagne included a handwritten note from Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry.

But Cubs officials decided to turn this questionable, jinx-fulfilling purchase into something positive: the team shipped nearly 347 cases of bubbly to an impoverished African village, reportedly located in a little-known area of Sierra Leone’s Bonthe district.

“If the [NFL’s New England] Patriots can clothe Nicaraguans with their presumptive 19–0 T-shirts, then, by God, we can send some of our hastily purchased celebratory alcoholic beverage to Africans who are probably thirsty or something,” said Cubs PR man Jeff Skedsmanik. “Until [Alfonso] Soriano is removed from the leadoff spot and our infielders learn how to catch and/or throw, we won’t need the stuff anytime soon.”

Position players Aramis Ramirez, Kosuke Fukudome, and Ryan “The Riot” Theriot and pitchers Jason Marquis and Ryan Dempster accompanied the shipment to Africa. They were greeted with a hero’s welcome, thanks to an announcement that referred to the players as “2008 World Series champions.”

“What, like they’re going to figure out the truth?” Skedsmanik quipped.

Villagers lined up around the town square to obtain their share of the beverage. Many were disappointed that the Cubs hadn’t sent sport beverage or bottled water or first baseman Derrek Lee.

Tempers flared during the seventh inning of the stickball game between the villagers and the Cubs.

Tempers flared during the seventh inning of the stickball game between the villagers and the Cubs.

Nonetheless, the villagers gave the bubbly a try. Despite a few minor incidents—several villagers fell ill from the alcoholic drink, and Theriot managed to seriously injure a town elder with a stray flying cork—things reached a point where everyone seemed to be having a good time. The villagers ended up challenging the Cubs to a game of stickball, extending the Cubs’ losing streak in the process with a 13-4 beatdown.

“Best of 5?” asked Dempster, who took the loss after giving up eight earned runs in 3-2/3 innings pitched.

Despite the loss, the players who made the trip seemed upbeat.

“Hey, it’s all for the love of the game and your fellow man, albeit one who earns way less money than me,” said Ramirez, who went 0-for-4 with two strikeouts in the stickball game. “If it means we can do this next year, I can’t wait to choke in the playoffs again.”

Bush’s economy plan: Immediate release of Chinese Democracy

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good, if not better, than the Illusions albums from 1991, leading to economy stabilization.

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good if not better than the Illusions albums from 1991, which in turn will lead to economy stabilization.

WASHINGTON—President Bush called an emergency press conference on Monday to plead with eccentric Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose to immediately release the long-awaited album Chinese Democracy in order to jump-start the woeful American economy.

“I remember waiting in line for the Illusion albums; boy, that was fun,” Bush said. “It seemed like every goshdarn one of us in Crawford made the trip to the Sam Goody that day. And now more than ever, America needs Axl Rose to unleash what most certainly will be a perfect GNR album.”

Bush, who entered the press room to the blaring intro of “Welcome to the Jungle,” said that the release of Chinese Democracy, currently scheduled for release in late November, would topple the first domino to economic recovery.

“My fellow Americans, putting new GNR material on the shelves of America’s retail sector is the answer to our prayers,” Bush said. “People of all backgrounds will head to their nearest Best Buy store to have this compact disc: the rich and the poor. The old and the young. The whites and the…well, the whites, anyhow.

“American dollars will flood the marketplace,” Bush continued. “The band will launch a tour, meaning music fans will spend top dollar for tickets, and everyone will burn a bunch of gasoline to travel. Numerous gigs will be canceled on a whim by Axl, causing riots, which will require more men in uniform to patrol the cities on the tour. Fines from civil disobedience tickets will puff up town coffers.

“Look at me—stimulating economies, creating jobs. All without Uncle Dick’s help.”

When asked why he thought anyone aside from the marginal meth-head would be interested in blowing his cash on an album that has been delayed countless times over the past decade, Bush pointed to Axl’s appeal: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

At this point, Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money pointed out to Bush that not only was his proposal “asinine” but his last response was a straight lift of a quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bush responded by yelling, “You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk!”

Bush then stormed away from the podium to have a cigarette off-camera while waiting for a curtain call. The members of the press either sat in stunned silence or packed up their things, leaving White House press secretary Dana Perino little choice but to turn on the house lights, signaling the end of the show.

Axl Rose could not be reached for comment.

Feeling the crunch: Rice Krispies release legendary Crackle

According to Rice Krispies management, Crackle (center) is no longer with the team.

According to Rice Krispies management, Crackle (center) is no longer with the team.

CHICAGO—In the wake of another disappointing season and facing the prospect of an astronomical payroll, breakfast cereal behemoth Rice Krispies announced the release of center mascot Crackle on Thursday.

“We have been looking up at Frosted Flakes, Wheaties, and Froot Loops in the standings for years, despite our league-leading payroll,” said D.B. Kellogg, general manager of the Krispies. “Our evaluation? Crackle can’t be counted on in crunch time.”

Crackle has played a key role for the Krispies for 40 years—he and fellow Krispies Snap and Pop formed the most formidable trio in cereal-aisle history. Yet Crackle’s contract was set to expire after the 2009 season, and team brass seemed reluctant to renegotiate his deal, given the team’s dismal returns of late.

While Snap and Pop signed long-term extensions before the 2008 season, Crackle and his agent, the iconic Mikey from Life Cereal, played hardball in their pursuit of riches that would rival the compensation packages of Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula.

“We knew our contract pitch to Mikey would be a hard sell,” Kellogg said. “As we all know, that kid has a real stubborn streak—he doesn’t like anything.”

The team took a hard stand, threatening to send Crackle down to Crispy Rice, the team’s affiliate in the Malt-O’-Meal League. After that threat failed and another unremarkable season passed, Kellogg sought a trade partner, and nearly pulled off an 11th-hour deal with Lucky Charms for Lucky the Leprechaun.

Might Threepio return to cereal?

Might Threepio return to cereal?

However, Crackle insisted that any deal with Lucky Charms would include a clause allowing the administering of physical harm to any young children trying to make off with his Lucky Charms. The deal fell through, leaving the Krispies no choice but to cut ties with their longtime pitchman.

“We didn’t see eye to eye with the folks at Lucky Charms,” Mikey said. “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk.”

While Crackle will seek new employment via free agency, the Krispies will look to maintain the three-player dynamic. A new middle man could come from a trade—rumor has it that King Vitamin wants to leave the throne for one shot at a championship ring—or by making a pitch to a retired legend.

“Maybe C-3PO would want to get back in the cereal game,” Kellogg said. “Our new catchphrase could be ‘Snap, Babble, Pop.'”