Larry Craig: Fox’s “Hole in the Wall” not what I expected

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

EAGLE, Idaho—Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, recently deleted the Fox Network’s reality program “Hole in the Wall” from his TiVo Season Pass list after discovering the show had more to do with awkward body positioning and nothing to do with restroom stall “glory holes.”

“I am a little red-faced by this discovery, although one could say my palms are less reddened,” Craig said without a hint of humor in his voice. “I should’ve known that any risque content would have relegated the show to FX.”

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

The senator with the wide stance stumbled upon the show thanks to his Google Alerts for the name “Larry Craig.” One of the Google Alerts linked to a television blog that included a brief mention of “Hole in the Wall,” along with a comment that stated, “‘Hole in the Wall’? Sounds like the movie about the life of Larry Craig!!!! ROTFLMAO”

With curiosity piqued and a comment left on the TV blog—”L Craig like pussy bitchez”—Craig programmed his TiVo to record all new episodes of the reality show, modifying the recording settings to keep all episodes until Craig chose to delete them.

Craig took in the first recorded episode mere hours after its airing, and had high hopes for the show based on the first block of commercials. “There was one of those ‘Viva Viagra’ ads, followed by a [John] McCain attack ad on [Barack] Obama,” Craig said. “Both serve as aphrodisiacs for me.”

Craig’s excitement quickly subsided when he saw the show’s actual action. Contestants contort their bodies to match cutout shapes in walls that move toward the contestant at varying speeds. If the contestants fail to mirror the holes in the wall, they are sent sprawling into a pool of water.

The show was not a total loss, Craig reported. “I stuck with the show in its entirety–not a single bathroom stall. But seeing some of the more muscular contestants getting all wet and glistening, I guess that’s an OK consolation.”

Craig quickly penned a letter to Fox executives with a suggested spinoff: “Glory Hole in the Wall.”

More what Craig had in mind.

More what Craig had in mind.

The show—Craig suggested he could be the host—would have contestants attempt to fit (or contort) their sexual organs through various glory holes. The “winner” would advance to the bonus round, where he would sit in a public toilet stall adjacent to one occupied by Craig. The contestant would then have 10 seconds to successfully decode and respond to a series of Craig foot-tap sequences. The winner would receive a round-trip ticket to the Twin Cities, with Craig as a traveling partner.

“I know how this makes me sound,” Craig blurted out suddenly. “But really, I’m not sexist.”

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