Tag Archives: john mccain

McCain camp debates pronunciation of “pwned”

pwned

PHOENIX—The strategic brain trust behind Republican Sen. John McCain’s bid for the White House spent the wee hours of Tuesday evening trying to decide how to pronounce the word “pwned.”

“That word is found in every general election discussion on the Internet, talking about how our team fared tonight,” says Steve Schmidt, McCain’s chief strategist. “And it’s true: our showing could not be summed up any better. Now I need to figure out how to say the damned word.”

Schmidt figured it would be wise to use a tech-savvy word properly during the myriad media interviews he will be forced to attend over the next few days.

“I wish I had even a good guess,” Schmidt says. “Is it ‘pooned’? How about ‘poaned’? Or perhaps it’s more of a Q sound, like ‘pwenned.’

“The last time the GOP got ‘pwned,’ in 1996, this sort of fancyspeak wasn’t more than a glimmer in some online gamer’s eye,” he added. “So these are uncharted waters for me.”

Schmidt said his gut told him it should be pronounced “pooned,” although he seemed to face strenuous objections from working-class hero Joe the Plumber and uber-asshole Karl Rove—they both were leaning toward “poaned.”

Schmidt says he consulted vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who dodged the question while somehow managing to bring William Ayers into the conversation.

“Now that the media have called it for Obama, I can finally tell her to shut the fuck up,” Schmidt sighed.

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McCain: I picked Palin to sway Monty Python Dems

DAYTON, Ohio—Republican presidential hopeful John McCain told supporters at a rally Wednesday that his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, will pull in voters from numerous obvious demographics—white women, caribou fans, old white dudes, college-aged MILF hunters. But her presence on the GOP ticket is not attracting the intended target audience: Monty Python Democrats who presumably have a blind devotion to anyone with the last name Palin.

Sarah Palin (left) is not drawing fans of Michael Palin (right) to the McCain-Palin presidential ticket.

Sarah Palin (left) is not drawing fans of Michael Palin (right) to the McCain-Palin presidential ticket.

“I’m really surprised,” McCain said. “My plan was this: the Monty Python Dems spend all their time memorizing quotes, which means they have zero time to follow current events. They show up to the polls on Nov. 4, possibly and preferably stoned, and see Palin next to my name. They utter some obscure Michael Palin quote from the Flying Circus show, color in our oval, and I change my forwarding address to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“Unfortunately, these Python fans do make time to watch Jon Stewart and Saturday Night Live, so now they know that Palin is not the British funnyman Michael Palin but rather a humorless broad named Sarah Palin who comes from a place where funny only happens unintentionally,” McCain said. “My best strategy now is to try to convince enough people that Sarah Palin is really Tina Fey.”

Meanwhile, Monty Python Dems have come out of the woodwork to criticize McCain’s transparent attempt at wooing the Python vote.

“It’s no secret that members of the Columbus (Ohio) Dead Parrot Society were really hoping that Sen. [Barack] Obama would select John Cleese as his running mate,” said Dead Parrot Society president Chad Alexander. “It would have been a historic moment in American politics. It would have broken through that glass ceiling—I mean, how many people think they’ll live long enough to see a black man and a funny British guy in the White House?

“So yes, when Obama chose Joe Biden, there was not much celebration in our camp,” Alexander continued. “But for John McCain to think that we would be so dense as to not see through this farce—you’re not selling us no dead parrot, buddy!”

Things have gotten ugly between Python fans and the Arizona Republican at recent events in battleground states—and McCain’s attempts at being hip to the Python vernacular haven’t helped matters much.

One Python fan confronted McCain after a rally in Harrisburg, Pa., exchanging harsh words crafted by the comedy troupe members themselves.

“I object to you automatically treating me like an inferior,” said Dennis London, an androgynous fellow whom McCain had addressed as “old woman” during the after-speech meet-and-greet.

McCain, prompted via earpiece that this was a variation on a Michael Palin line in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, was fed the next line of dialogue, which he delivered: “Well, I am king.”

Dennis predictably retorted, “Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how’d you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.”

McCain then ordered Dennis to be quiet.

Another Python fan, Richard Pearlman, summed up his reservations about Sarah Palin’s readiness for the country’s No. 2 position as only a true Michael Palin fan could: “Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”

Confused McCain names Rosie Ruiz as running mate

WASHINGTON—A clearly fatigued John McCain shocked the entire political spectrum today when he announced that he was leaning toward Rosie Ruiz as his running mate.

“At my age, I shouldn’t be running down the street, much less for president,” McCain snarled. “But people keep asking me, ‘Who’s your running mate going to be?’ ‘Who do you want to run with?’ I figured I should pick another person who really doesn’t like running long distances.”

Rosie Ruiz running in the 1980 Boston Marathon. (AP photo)

Rosie Ruiz running in the 1980 Boston Marathon. (AP photo)

Ruiz gained infamy in 1980—McCain was approximately 88 years old at the time—when she slipped out of the crowds at the Boston Marathon beyond the 25th mile point and sprinted to an apparent victory in record time. The hoax unraveled over the course of the following eight days, and she was stripped of her title.

“A lot of what I could learn from running with Señora Ruiz could translate well in this whole presidential contest,” McCain said. “If I could somehow appear to be the winner on ‘race day,’ the ball would be in the Supreme Court’s hands, and we all saw how that worked out for the GOP eight years ago.”

McCain punctuated his comment with a fist pump and a subsequent grimace.

Conservative talk radio hosts were livid with the choice, saying that fellow assholes in the GOP voting bloc would have a hard time accepting a woman who is also of Latin American descent.

“If McCain doesn’t understand that ‘running mate’ isn’t to be taken literally, the least he could do is pick Zola Budd,” said Mike Peebles, a Sean Hannity wannabe and host of “Right On!” on KDIK-AM690 in Iowa City. “At least Budd has a history of tripping up American heroes. Perhaps McCain could get Zola to pull a Mary Decker on Barack Obama.”

McCain backers hope McCain realizes the term “running mate” is simply a synonym for “vice president candidate” and chooses someone that can appeal to social conservatives.

“Let’s just pretend President Bush came up with the Ruiz idea, and move past it,” said McCain supporter Rich Summers. “Everyone would buy that.”

“But let’s not call the idea completely without merit,” interjected fellow McCain follower Steve Beach. “Ruiz is still a better pick than [Joe] Lieberman.”