Category Archives: Education

Nerd seeks impeachment of senior class president

REINBROOK, Iowa—The halls of Reinbrook High School were rattled by Alan Naife’s petition to have the senior class president impeached due to his involvement with freshman girls, a group often considered the mating pool for upperclassman social outcasts.

Naife, a senior who doubles as president of the Key Club, conducted a series of investigations that found that senior class president Brian Ashford has a long history of scoring with underclassman females at RHS.

Naife, who went public with his findings via the school’s public address system Wednesday morning, believes such conduct is unbecoming to one who holds such a lofty position in student government.

Petitioner Alan Naife

Petitioner Alan Naife

“The underclassman girls should be considered out of bounds for successful bucks such as Brian Ashford,” Naife said after wresting the microphone away from the office secretary. “I urge you to sign my petition to throw Brian Ashford out of office.

“If studs like Ashford and [starting varsity quarterback Jake] Thompson continue scoring with freshman chicks, who will be left for those of us clinging to the lower rungs of the social ladder?” Naife added before being told to report to his second-period trigonometry class.

The laundry list of lascivious acts attributed to President Ashford begins at the year’s opening football game, when Ashford brought freshman debutante Rachael Warner with him and fondled her breasts over her blouse during the halftime show. From that moment on, Warner showed absolutely no interest in anyone who was not a card-carrying member of the “in-crowd.”

Naife was able to obtain this information by positioning himself underneath the bleachers in a spot closer to the field than Ashford and Warner, allowing for a clear upward angle. “Don’t question my methods,” Naife said, shrugging.

Naife also cited a direct strike made against him at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Naife had brought freshman Alicia Tadlow with him to the dance, but she ended up going home with the senior commander-in-chief after several exhibitions of risqué dancing.

“I bring a girl to a dance and this guy has to move in on me?” Naife asked. “You would think he could have found his own date.”

When contacted about the matter, Tadlow said Naife was nothing more than a chauffeur that night.

“I am only 15, so I couldn’t drive myself to the dance, and at the same time, my mother probably wouldn’t allow me to date someone as wild and appealing as Brian, so he couldn’t come pick me up,” she said. “I figured that Naife dweeb wouldn’t have a date, and he wouldn’t have the dignity to spare himself the embarrassment of a social setting like Homecoming, so I asked him if he could give me a ride to the dance. I guess he thought I was asking him out, which is fucking hilarious!”

Few signing on dotted line

Naife’s petition is failing to gain traction with the student body—the document had a paltry seven signatures as of seventh period Wednesday. Some students chalked up their lack of support to the prudish language used throughout the seven-page petition: “Men in power should not use such lofty positions for sexual gain. A presidential candidate should be more concerned with study hall issues and improved library selection, not whether the freshman girls are willing to ‘get shocked,’ whatever that means.”

“I got to page three and wondered what this guy’s problem was,” said Jeff Alexander, a junior whose activities include varsity basketball, camping trips, and keg parties. “Who doesn’t like pussy?”

All seven signatures, one of which was Naife’s, came from “geeks,” according to several sources.

Even if Naife’s struggle had more sympathizers, the president does not fear impeachment.

“The governing body that would impeach me would be the Scholar Senate,” Ashford explained. “All the freshman senators are chicks—five of whom are on ‘the list.’ They’ll never get the necessary two-thirds vote.”

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Slut wins state high school spelling bee

DES MOINES, Iowa—The Iowa State High School Spelling Bee, which featured 48 rounds of intellectual challenge, ended in a heated exchange between the runner-up and the three-man panel of judges after 17-year-old fuck-machine Stacey Mounds won the competition.

Sarina Brooks, a senior from Johnston High School who finished second, claimed that the judges favored Mounds, a senior from West Union.

“It was very obvious to everyone here that the judges were succumbing to that whore’s feminine wiles,” Brooks said. “I haven’t seen a contestant get words that simple since first grade.”

Brooks, who advanced to the state contest after winning the fantastic Polk County Spelling Bee, was the odds-on-favorite to win the state bee.

Mounds advanced from Fayette County by default.

“She was the only one to show up for the county qualifier,” said William Henry, principal of North Fayette High School. “Apparently she thought by showing up to the spelling bee, she would be guaranteed a ‘B’ in spelling—which, of course, is not a standalone subject for seniors in high school, but whatever. I suppose having an actual contest would’ve been trivia.”

After being nudged by a passerby and having something whispered in his ear, he added, “Er, trivial, I guess.”

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Each of the 99 counties sent a representative to the state contest. Many fell out early, but Mounds managed to advance to the final four along with Brooks, sophomore Don Thompson of Story County, and junior Jake Lee of Van Buren County.

“[Mounds] should’ve been off that stage after one round,” Brooks said. “It was a farce.”

But Mounds remained, dressed in halter top and cutoff jean shorts that revealed a fair amount of buttock and breast. Brooks contends that Mounds’ outfit, coupled with a tanned and toned body that was best suited for hours of lovemaking, was her key to an easy path.

While Brooks had to spell words such as “toonioperty” (a whimsical version of the many early forms of opportune, now obsolete), “couvrefu” (a chimney, literally meaning “cover the fire”), and “billingsgatry” (a language made famous at Billingsgate, one of two gates that controlled access to London via the Thames), Mounds was challenged with such words as hug, kiss, and boobs.

“Wonder what the judges had on their minds?” Brooks asked sarcastically.

By round 42, it was down to the two girls after Thompson missed “fulluht” (a safeguard against fairies’ turning a normal infant into a changeling) and Lee missed “sceamul” (a sturdy bench on which butchers displayed the meat of slaughtered animals).

And in Round 48, the judges—Wayne Seikel, 66, local carpenter; Jason Tatters, 19, fry cook; and Alex Wootz, 34, ex-high school football star/town drunk—stumped Brooks with the word “jizzdrain.”

“I had never heard the term before—completely foreign to me,” Brooks said. She spelled the word with one Z.

With the ball in her court, Mounds stepped to the mic and, much like last year’s North Fayette wrestling squad, she nailed it. She then admitted that she was quite familiar with the term.

“I can’t believe they used my nickname!” she announced.

Brooks plans to protest the bee, although she found educational value in the whole incident. “Learning the word ‘jizzdrain’ has softened the blow,” she said. “Yeah, blow—you know, Stacey’s word from Round 33.”

Anti-drug message foiled by pro-drug acronym

NEW HAMPTON, Iowa—Parents were up in arms Friday in the wake of a botched anti-drug campaign launched by New Hampton High School principal Gregory A. Youngblood.

“The saying is ‘those who can, do; those who can’t, teach,'” ranted Bruce Monson, a parent of two NHHS students. “The rest of the saying must be ‘those who don’t know their elbow from their asshole grow up to become fucking principals.'”

To usher in the school year, Youngblood conceptualized a program that would encourage New Hampton High teens to just say no to various illegal drugs. Youngblood rolled out the campaign during Monday’s first-day-of-school pep rally to lackluster response, until someone noticed the ironic acronym.

“So Principal Numbnuts is going on and on about us not getting high or whatever, and he drops this lame-ass slogan on us: Get Rid Of Weed, Downers, Opiates, PCP, Ecstacy,” says senior Lance Billings. “So a bunch of us are snickering, rolling our eyes, what have you, and then it hits me: Dude, he’s telling us to G.R.O.W.D.O.P.E.

“I immediately volunteered to chair the campaign’s marketing committee,” Billings said. “We had t-shirts by Thursday!”

The anti-/pro-drug campaign's unofficial t-shirt.

The anti-/pro-drug campaign unofficial t-shirt.

On Friday, students donned their new shirts, which beared the slogan, “Principal Youngblood says G.R.O.W.D.O.P.E.!” with the campaign’s full name spelled out in microscopic type. The preshrunk T is black with white writing, and ranges in sizes from XS to XXXL, so as not to exclude anyone aside from the hardcore bulimics and the morbidly obese.

“They have their own set of problems,” Billings says. “They can G.R.O.W.D.O.P.E. once they stop eating and/or puking up every calorie in sight.”

When Youngblood saw the parade of G.R.O.W.D.O.P.E. t-shirts in the halls of New Hampton High, he realized that the weeklong frenzy over the campaign probably had more to do with the unfortunate acronym than any real desire to be free of mind-altering substances.

“And now I feel a little silly about funding the students’ t-shirt initiative,” Youngblood said sheepishly. “Oh well. I would have misspent the money earmarked for the faculty incentive program at some point anyway.”

Speaking of teachers, they, as usual, were among the last to pick up on the simmering controversy. While a couple of staffers tried in vain Friday to get the students to take off the simultaneously anti-drug/pro-drug apparel, most of the faculty just shrugged.

“First off, I was asleep during that pep rally, so there’s a strike against me,” said Harvey Coors, an upper-level mathematics teacher and junior varsity girls’ basketball coach. “Second, I’m a math guy, so I’m not sure an in-house quality check under my watch would have sniffed out the acronym. That’s more of a wordsmithing kind of thing.

“Third, they don’t pay me shit, so what, I’m supposed to care all of a sudden?”

Some students have been down this road before. New Hampton junior Steve Hardcastle was on the school’s quiz bowl team last year, which was coached by Principal Youngblood. In what was meant to be a team-building exercise, Youngblood suggested they get away from the boring title of “Quiz Bowl Team” and go with something punchier.

“At first we were on board—we were thinking it would be cool to go to competitions known as the Academic Dominance Squad,” says Hardcastle, who stressed he will not be on the team this year, college résumé be damned. “Kinda sweet, right? But then Youngblood decided to put his touch on it, and you could say this was the, um, initial problem.”

Youngblood thought it would somehow be cool to be called the Whimsical Academic Dominance Squad—”Don’t ask me why,” Hardcastle quipped—and then, because he was the coach and often the supplier of meals on competition trips, he wanted his handle attached to the squad’s name.

“So yes, the team became ‘Gregory A. Youngblood’s Whimsical Academic Dominance Squad,'” Hardcastle sighed. “It was hard enough to get halfway cool kids to join, much less impress the hot chicks, before we became the ‘GAYWADS.'”