Slut wins state high school spelling bee

DES MOINES, Iowa—The Iowa State High School Spelling Bee, which featured 48 rounds of intellectual challenge, ended in a heated exchange between the runner-up and the three-man panel of judges after 17-year-old fuck-machine Stacey Mounds won the competition.

Sarina Brooks, a senior from Johnston High School who finished second, claimed that the judges favored Mounds, a senior from West Union.

“It was very obvious to everyone here that the judges were succumbing to that whore’s feminine wiles,” Brooks said. “I haven’t seen a contestant get words that simple since first grade.”

Brooks, who advanced to the state contest after winning the fantastic Polk County Spelling Bee, was the odds-on-favorite to win the state bee.

Mounds advanced from Fayette County by default.

“She was the only one to show up for the county qualifier,” said William Henry, principal of North Fayette High School. “Apparently she thought by showing up to the spelling bee, she would be guaranteed a ‘B’ in spelling—which, of course, is not a standalone subject for seniors in high school, but whatever. I suppose having an actual contest would’ve been trivia.”

After being nudged by a passerby and having something whispered in his ear, he added, “Er, trivial, I guess.”

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Each of the 99 counties sent a representative to the state contest. Many fell out early, but Mounds managed to advance to the final four along with Brooks, sophomore Don Thompson of Story County, and junior Jake Lee of Van Buren County.

“[Mounds] should’ve been off that stage after one round,” Brooks said. “It was a farce.”

But Mounds remained, dressed in halter top and cutoff jean shorts that revealed a fair amount of buttock and breast. Brooks contends that Mounds’ outfit, coupled with a tanned and toned body that was best suited for hours of lovemaking, was her key to an easy path.

While Brooks had to spell words such as “toonioperty” (a whimsical version of the many early forms of opportune, now obsolete), “couvrefu” (a chimney, literally meaning “cover the fire”), and “billingsgatry” (a language made famous at Billingsgate, one of two gates that controlled access to London via the Thames), Mounds was challenged with such words as hug, kiss, and boobs.

“Wonder what the judges had on their minds?” Brooks asked sarcastically.

By round 42, it was down to the two girls after Thompson missed “fulluht” (a safeguard against fairies’ turning a normal infant into a changeling) and Lee missed “sceamul” (a sturdy bench on which butchers displayed the meat of slaughtered animals).

And in Round 48, the judges—Wayne Seikel, 66, local carpenter; Jason Tatters, 19, fry cook; and Alex Wootz, 34, ex-high school football star/town drunk—stumped Brooks with the word “jizzdrain.”

“I had never heard the term before—completely foreign to me,” Brooks said. She spelled the word with one Z.

With the ball in her court, Mounds stepped to the mic and, much like last year’s North Fayette wrestling squad, she nailed it. She then admitted that she was quite familiar with the term.

“I can’t believe they used my nickname!” she announced.

Brooks plans to protest the bee, although she found educational value in the whole incident. “Learning the word ‘jizzdrain’ has softened the blow,” she said. “Yeah, blow—you know, Stacey’s word from Round 33.”

Larry Craig: Fox’s “Hole in the Wall” not what I expected

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

EAGLE, Idaho—Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, recently deleted the Fox Network’s reality program “Hole in the Wall” from his TiVo Season Pass list after discovering the show had more to do with awkward body positioning and nothing to do with restroom stall “glory holes.”

“I am a little red-faced by this discovery, although one could say my palms are less reddened,” Craig said without a hint of humor in his voice. “I should’ve known that any risque content would have relegated the show to FX.”

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

The senator with the wide stance stumbled upon the show thanks to his Google Alerts for the name “Larry Craig.” One of the Google Alerts linked to a television blog that included a brief mention of “Hole in the Wall,” along with a comment that stated, “‘Hole in the Wall’? Sounds like the movie about the life of Larry Craig!!!! ROTFLMAO”

With curiosity piqued and a comment left on the TV blog—”L Craig like pussy bitchez”—Craig programmed his TiVo to record all new episodes of the reality show, modifying the recording settings to keep all episodes until Craig chose to delete them.

Craig took in the first recorded episode mere hours after its airing, and had high hopes for the show based on the first block of commercials. “There was one of those ‘Viva Viagra’ ads, followed by a [John] McCain attack ad on [Barack] Obama,” Craig said. “Both serve as aphrodisiacs for me.”

Craig’s excitement quickly subsided when he saw the show’s actual action. Contestants contort their bodies to match cutout shapes in walls that move toward the contestant at varying speeds. If the contestants fail to mirror the holes in the wall, they are sent sprawling into a pool of water.

The show was not a total loss, Craig reported. “I stuck with the show in its entirety–not a single bathroom stall. But seeing some of the more muscular contestants getting all wet and glistening, I guess that’s an OK consolation.”

Craig quickly penned a letter to Fox executives with a suggested spinoff: “Glory Hole in the Wall.”

More what Craig had in mind.

More what Craig had in mind.

The show—Craig suggested he could be the host—would have contestants attempt to fit (or contort) their sexual organs through various glory holes. The “winner” would advance to the bonus round, where he would sit in a public toilet stall adjacent to one occupied by Craig. The contestant would then have 10 seconds to successfully decode and respond to a series of Craig foot-tap sequences. The winner would receive a round-trip ticket to the Twin Cities, with Craig as a traveling partner.

“I know how this makes me sound,” Craig blurted out suddenly. “But really, I’m not sexist.”

Zack, Kelly Morris slain; Carosi among those in custody

Stacey Carosi hides her face while entering the Bayside Police Station on Tuesday. Carosi is thought to be responsible for the slayings of Zack and Kelly Morris.

Stacey Carosi hides her face while entering the Bayside Police Station on Tuesday.

BAYSIDE, Calif.—Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski-Morris were found dead Tuesday in their Bayside residence, and Stacey Carosi, a beach resort heiress who once had a summer fling with Mr. Morris, is among seven women apprehended in connection with the slayings.

Zack and Kelly, in happier times.

Zack and Kelly, in happier times.

Carosi appears to be the ringleader of the alleged slaying septet, all of whom had some sort of romantic connection to Mr. Morris over the years—romances that often ended abruptly.

“It appears Morris’s short attention span in the romance game finally caught up to him,” said Albert Tuttle, Bayside chief of police and brother of one of the multipurpose educators at Bayside High. “Carosi’s meaningless romance lasted nearly a summer, which seems to have put her in the position of gang leader here, but she hardly acted alone.”

Along with Carosi, Bayside law enforcement are holding the following young women for their alleged roles in the killings:

  • Danielle, who as a college student would occasionally rendezvous with Morris at the trendy dance club The Attic.
  • Wendy, the overweight gal who blew her life savings to buy a date with Morris, which officially lasted about 92 seconds.
  • Kristi, the female wrestler who during a date at The Max defended Morris from a sure ass-whipping by a Valley tough.
  • Melissa, a wheelchair-bound damsel who met Morris via an advice hotline and eventually inspired Morris and his friends to feel like shit for having full mobility.
  • Jennifer, a former lover of Bayside classmate Albert Clifford (aka A.C.) Slater who became sloppy seconds for Morris for a day or two.
  • J.B. Slater, sibling of A.C. Slater who attended Bayside High School for approximately six days and was on the receiving end of Morris’s doo-wop skills during a performance by The Five Aces.

Morris’s dating pattern was consistent with all of the suspects: he would give the relationship a chance for a limited period of time, then allow things to end, often in the middle of a dance or shared milk shake. The young ladies would then disappear from Bayside, while Morris would resume his pursuit of Kapowski.

“I find it strange that A.C. would remain friends with this Morris character, seeing as his ex-girlfriend and his sister went missing shortly after their relationships with Morris apparently hit the skids,” Tuttle said.

As it happened, the women had not vanished but had merely relocated to Carosi’s resort, where they enjoyed a communal lifestyle while Carosi developed their murderous plot, which Bayside cops say was put into action late Monday night.

The women left behind a gruesome crime scene inside the Morrises’ bungalow. Morris had been bludgeoned with his outdated, oversized cellular phone; Kapowski-Morris had been bound by her lifeguard whistle, run over by a small vehicle (presumably Melissa’s chair), and then asphyxiated, likely by Wendy the large gal smothering Kapowski with her girth.

Most disturbing, however, was a message written in what appeared to be Morris’s blood on one of the interior walls: “Friends Forever.”

“That will haunt me for all of my days,” Tuttle said. “I’ll never be able to listen to that song again.”

The phrase "Friends Forever" was scrawled on an interior wall in what appears to be Morris's blood.

Friends Forever was scrawled on an interior wall in what appears to be Morris's blood.

Bayside cops could have faced a long list of suspects in the Morris slayings—it’s no secret that Mr. Morris had crossed many people during his life. Principal Richard Belding was constantly at odds with Morris. A.C. Slater watched Morris marry the foxy Kapowski after banging Slater’s ex and Slater’s sister. The Bayside dorks and nerds were targets of constant putdowns and financial scams. And Tori Scott, who once dated Morris, seemed like the kind of badass who could kill.

But Carosi’s gang came forward with confessions just before dawn Tuesday, saving the police a lot of legwork. According to James Patovich, who represents Kristi the wrestler, everyone but Carosi had no idea what to do next, as their lives always seemed to “hit the end credits” at the moment of climax. So they turned themselves in, figuring their roles were inconsequential from this point onward.

Principal Belding mourns at The Max.

Principal Belding mourns at The Max while wearing a Johnny Dakota jacket.

While Carosi awaits the legal process, Bayside residents and alums are coping with the tragic loss of the town’s most photogenic couple.

A.C. Slater and on-again/off-again girlfriend Jessie Spano delivered a heartwrenching rendition of “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” at a Tuesday night vigil in downtown Bayside. A historically accurate ritual was performed by Native American relatives of Chief Running Zack. And Principal Belding canceled a raft trip with his brother Rod and dove head-first into a drunken stupor at The Max.

“My life sucks,” Belding said.

Samuel Powers was not contacted for comment.

AC/DC’s Wal-Mart deal seems unnecessary, Drake researcher says

DES MOINES, Iowa—Veteran rock outfit AC/DC’s deal to sell its forthcoming album exclusively in Wal-Mart stores shouldn’t really alter the landscape of AC/DC album sales, according to a recent statistical analysis.

As the rock community braces for the Oct. 20 U.S. release of Black Ice, a Drake University study has revealed that AC/DC might have unnecessarily entered into an exclusivity deal with retail behemoth Wal-Mart, given that 96.8 percent of the band’s discs sold in the United States since 1990 were purchased in a Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club store.

“This is like if Fall Out Boy decided to sell its licensed T-shirts exclusively at Hot Topic—to the fans, it would be business as usual,” said Stephen J. Danssler, associate professor of communication studies at Drake and lead author of the AC/DC research findings, which were published in the September issue of Kerrang! magazine. “I guess it’s nice to have a deal in writing, but AC/DC and Wally World have long been partners in the distribution of formulaic, redundant, mind-numbing butt rock.”

Indeed, the numbers found in the Drake study are staggering. Danssler’s report notes that Back in Black, an album that has seen sales topping 22 million in the United States, moved 94.3 percent of its post–1990 American sales through the warehouses and supercenters of Sam’s and Wal-Mart. Another 3.7 percent was sold at Midwestern Pamida stores; the remaining 2 percent was attributed to sales at the Iowa 80 truck stop just west of the Quad Cities.

“You can buy a lot of shit [at Iowa 80],” Danssler said. “Including AC/DC albums.”

Sales figures for the 1995 release Ballbreaker, according to Stephen Danssler's figures.

Sales breakdown by seller for the 1995 release Ballbreaker.

More recent releases, such as 1990’s The Razors [sic] Edge, 1995’s Ballbreaker, and 2000’s Stiff Upper Lip saw even greater sales numbers at Wal-Mart locations as Pamida vanished from the “rube retail” realm. In fact, according to Danssler’s figures, Stiff Upper Lip logged 99.2 percent of its sales from Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club; the remaining discs were sold at a Ben Franklin five-and-dime store in Cobblers Point, Wis., while that town’s Wal-Mart was closed for seven days following an immigration raid.

Danssler was asked about a couple of common factors that have eroded album sales in America’s typical brick-and-mortar shops: secondhand CD sales at used CD stores, and digital outlets such as iTunes Music Store.

“Let me address the first point, the used-CD stores,” Danssler said. “This has definitely hurt some bands in recent years. Frankly, if someone needs a copy of Motley Crue’s Decade of Decadence, that person can go to any Disc-Go-Round or Revitalized Vinyl and snag it for pennies.

“But when the ‘DC sells an album, most likely to a Wal-Mart patron, rest assured that that disc would never be resold, not even to the devil.”

On the topic of digital sales, Danssler snickered and said, “AC/DC fans don’t own computers.”

In a show of multidisciplinary cooperation, marketing faculty from Drake’s business school also contributed to the study, showing the untapped benefits Wal-Mart could gain from an official partnership with AC/DC.

“Wal-Mart’s shitty Dr. Pepper knockoff soda is called Dr. Thunder,” said Sam Gianno, faculty chair of Drake’s marketing department, during a phone interview to discuss his contribution to the study. “Now close your eyes for a second. Picture some mullet-headed stud, or perhaps a sweaty broad in a bikini, downing a big glass of brown fizzy refreshment.

“As the drinker continues to chug, you start to hear a guitar lick getting louder and louder. Suddenly a chant begins: THUNDER! NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA! THUNDER! That’s right, ‘Thunderstruck’ teams up with Dr. Thunder.”

After letting out a bemused chuckle, Gianno adds, “If a 67-cent price tag can’t sell a 2-liter of that swill, I’m betting AC/DC can.”

John Mundt, Esq., contributed to this report.

McCain: I picked Palin to sway Monty Python Dems

DAYTON, Ohio—Republican presidential hopeful John McCain told supporters at a rally Wednesday that his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, will pull in voters from numerous obvious demographics—white women, caribou fans, old white dudes, college-aged MILF hunters. But her presence on the GOP ticket is not attracting the intended target audience: Monty Python Democrats who presumably have a blind devotion to anyone with the last name Palin.

Sarah Palin (left) is not drawing fans of Michael Palin (right) to the McCain-Palin presidential ticket.

Sarah Palin (left) is not drawing fans of Michael Palin (right) to the McCain-Palin presidential ticket.

“I’m really surprised,” McCain said. “My plan was this: the Monty Python Dems spend all their time memorizing quotes, which means they have zero time to follow current events. They show up to the polls on Nov. 4, possibly and preferably stoned, and see Palin next to my name. They utter some obscure Michael Palin quote from the Flying Circus show, color in our oval, and I change my forwarding address to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

“Unfortunately, these Python fans do make time to watch Jon Stewart and Saturday Night Live, so now they know that Palin is not the British funnyman Michael Palin but rather a humorless broad named Sarah Palin who comes from a place where funny only happens unintentionally,” McCain said. “My best strategy now is to try to convince enough people that Sarah Palin is really Tina Fey.”

Meanwhile, Monty Python Dems have come out of the woodwork to criticize McCain’s transparent attempt at wooing the Python vote.

“It’s no secret that members of the Columbus (Ohio) Dead Parrot Society were really hoping that Sen. [Barack] Obama would select John Cleese as his running mate,” said Dead Parrot Society president Chad Alexander. “It would have been a historic moment in American politics. It would have broken through that glass ceiling—I mean, how many people think they’ll live long enough to see a black man and a funny British guy in the White House?

“So yes, when Obama chose Joe Biden, there was not much celebration in our camp,” Alexander continued. “But for John McCain to think that we would be so dense as to not see through this farce—you’re not selling us no dead parrot, buddy!”

Things have gotten ugly between Python fans and the Arizona Republican at recent events in battleground states—and McCain’s attempts at being hip to the Python vernacular haven’t helped matters much.

One Python fan confronted McCain after a rally in Harrisburg, Pa., exchanging harsh words crafted by the comedy troupe members themselves.

“I object to you automatically treating me like an inferior,” said Dennis London, an androgynous fellow whom McCain had addressed as “old woman” during the after-speech meet-and-greet.

McCain, prompted via earpiece that this was a variation on a Michael Palin line in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, was fed the next line of dialogue, which he delivered: “Well, I am king.”

Dennis predictably retorted, “Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how’d you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.”

McCain then ordered Dennis to be quiet.

Another Python fan, Richard Pearlman, summed up his reservations about Sarah Palin’s readiness for the country’s No. 2 position as only a true Michael Palin fan could: “Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.”

“They all sucked”: No winner declared in coloring contest

OELWEIN, Iowa—In what is thought to be a first, there was no winner declared in the annual First National Bank coloring contest.

Also a first: the judge was arrested for allegedly attempting to assault one of the young artists over work deemed “nothing short of pornographic” by the artwork arbiter.

“The level of talent was obviously lacking,” said contest judge Earl Blads, 73, from a jail pay phone. “I hope to see some improvement next year.”

The contest, sponsored by the bank, has been a mainstay of the Oelwein community for nearly four decades. Previous contests have always produced a clear-cut winner.

This was Blads’ first year judging the contest, and he brought lofty expectations. “I don’t know what they are doing in those schools,” Blads said during his jailhouse interview. “Looks to me like the schools aren’t challenging our children in the coloring and magic marker area.”

There was nary an entry in either the 4–6 or 7–9 age divisions that Blads felt was even close to satisfactory.

“If this was just some leisurely activity, I might be merciful,” Blads said. “But I think my judgment was fair, possibly a bit soft.

“Christ, they all sucked,” he added.

The picture used in the contest featured 11 members of the Peanuts gang, a popular creation by Charles Schulz.

“Not a real challenge,” Blads said.

Alexis Channing, last year’s champion in the 7–9 age group, was back to defend her title. The rather cute 8-year-old was visibly excited as she submitted her entry.

Blads simply handed it back to her, frowning, and muttered, “Not very good.”

When asked to defend the decision that sent the defending champion into a bawling tirade, Blads said: “Did you see Marcie’s hair? Brown! When it should have been burnt sienna!”

Despite the entry disqualifications, bank president Jill Manello decided to hang the entries in the bank window anyway. “I thought they looked okay, aside from the ones that Mr. Blads crumpled up and threw back at the kids,” she said.

Blads allowed the display to happen without interference on his part, although he did bite his lip hard enough to draw blood as the pictures were exhibited. Blads’s face was also a color that he himself would have described as “brick red.”

He could not keep his temper in check after seeing the final entry of the day, submitted by David Jepsen.

Jepsen, a 9-year-old wise beyond his years, had done an admirable job. “He had proper color choices, he had good directional flow, and he stayed within the boundaries,” Manello said. “He did add a bit of freestyle work with a couple of Sharpies, though.”

The entry by David Jepsen in the First National Bank coloring contest led to the arrest of judge Earl Blads, 73, after he attempted to maim the young artist.

The entry by David Jepsen in the First National Bank coloring contest led to the arrest of judge Earl Blads, 73, after he attempted to maim the young artist.

Jepsen took the following liberties:

  • A heart hovering over the heads of two female characters, Marcie and Peppermint Patty, suggesting forbidden love.
  • A lit cigarette dangling from the mouth of Snoopy, and a smoking cigar (labeled “chronic”) pursed by the lips of Franklin.
  • The use of a beer bong by Lucy Van Pelt.
  • Erect penises jutting from the crotch regions of Charlie Brown (who also was sporting sunglasses courtesy of Jepsen) and Linus Van Pelt. The sexual organs found resting places in the mouths of Marcie and Sally Brown, respectively.

“I did the smokes and the shades and the beer bong, but I knew a missing link remained,” the boy said. “Then I noticed the looks of pleasure on Chuck and Linus and the gaping mouth holes on the gals, and wondered why ol’ Schulzie hadn’t thought of drawing the crossed swords himself.”

Blads did not take the artistic expression in stride. He lunged at the youth, reportedly threatening to “rip off Jepsen’s ‘little peach crayon’ and stuff it down his throat.”

“I guess next year we’ll do a background check on our judges,” Manello said.

Rams QB petitions for “5-Mississippi” pass-rush rule

ST. LOUIS—Rams quarterback Marc Bulger on Wednesday submitted a formal request to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in hopes of having a “5-Mississippi” pass-rush rule instituted before the Rams’ first game against the Philadelphia Eagles.

“I’m one more big hit away from becoming a certified marshmallow-head,” Bulger said after a discouraging practice in which he was repeatedly sacked by the scout team defense. “I’ve always wanted to meet a matador, and it appears management has granted that wish by signing five of them to play offensive line for the Rams.”

In a seven-page petition faxed to the league office, Bulger spelled out the definition of his “5-Mississippi” rule: the defense must count aloud “1-Mississippi, 2-Mississippi, 3-Mississippi, 4-Mississippi, 5-Mississippi” before attempting to rush the quarterback. Bulger’s rule is commonly observed in schoolyard contests and backyard games across the United States.

 

A common sight for Rams QB Marc Bulger. (Simon Bruty/SI)

A common sight for Rams QB Marc Bulger. (Simon Bruty/SI)

Bulger cited the Rams affinity for allowing sacks—especially as the health of left tackle Orlando Pace continues to decline—and mentioned that some of the linemen just have names that don’t instill confidence in a signal caller.

“When one of your linemen is [right guard Richie] Incognito, you start to wonder if they’ll show up on game day,” Bulger wrote.

The Rams’ golden arm also penned a concession that the defense could be allowed one immediate rush per four downs, but that the quarterback would have the option to forgo the center-quarterback exchange and begin the play holding the ball 10 yards behind the line of scrimmage—the schoolyard version of the shotgun formation.

In the document’s final section, labeled “Innovative Thoughts,” Bulger suggested the quarterback could earn an “immunity necklace” a la Survivor by going five pass plays without being sacked or by running for positive yardage or getting back to the line of scrimmage without fumbling the ball.

Bulger’s counterpart in Sunday’s game, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb, said he’s not willing to go as far as a “5-Mississippi” delay, but might throw his support behind some sort of compromise.

“I grew up with the ‘5-Chicago’ rule, and it seemed to make everyone happy,” McNabb said. “Three syllables are plenty.”

Goodell has yet to publicly comment on Bulger’s petition; a source from the commissioner’s office said Goodell “will probably do a ‘5-Mississippi’ count before reacting to the request.”