Category Archives: Entertainment

Bush’s economy plan: Immediate release of Chinese Democracy

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good, if not better, than the Illusions albums from 1991, leading to economy stabilization.

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good if not better than the Illusions albums from 1991, which in turn will lead to economy stabilization.

WASHINGTON—President Bush called an emergency press conference on Monday to plead with eccentric Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose to immediately release the long-awaited album Chinese Democracy in order to jump-start the woeful American economy.

“I remember waiting in line for the Illusion albums; boy, that was fun,” Bush said. “It seemed like every goshdarn one of us in Crawford made the trip to the Sam Goody that day. And now more than ever, America needs Axl Rose to unleash what most certainly will be a perfect GNR album.”

Bush, who entered the press room to the blaring intro of “Welcome to the Jungle,” said that the release of Chinese Democracy, currently scheduled for release in late November, would topple the first domino to economic recovery.

“My fellow Americans, putting new GNR material on the shelves of America’s retail sector is the answer to our prayers,” Bush said. “People of all backgrounds will head to their nearest Best Buy store to have this compact disc: the rich and the poor. The old and the young. The whites and the…well, the whites, anyhow.

“American dollars will flood the marketplace,” Bush continued. “The band will launch a tour, meaning music fans will spend top dollar for tickets, and everyone will burn a bunch of gasoline to travel. Numerous gigs will be canceled on a whim by Axl, causing riots, which will require more men in uniform to patrol the cities on the tour. Fines from civil disobedience tickets will puff up town coffers.

“Look at me—stimulating economies, creating jobs. All without Uncle Dick’s help.”

When asked why he thought anyone aside from the marginal meth-head would be interested in blowing his cash on an album that has been delayed countless times over the past decade, Bush pointed to Axl’s appeal: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

At this point, Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money pointed out to Bush that not only was his proposal “asinine” but his last response was a straight lift of a quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bush responded by yelling, “You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk!”

Bush then stormed away from the podium to have a cigarette off-camera while waiting for a curtain call. The members of the press either sat in stunned silence or packed up their things, leaving White House press secretary Dana Perino little choice but to turn on the house lights, signaling the end of the show.

Axl Rose could not be reached for comment.

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Larry Craig: Fox’s “Hole in the Wall” not what I expected

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

EAGLE, Idaho—Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, recently deleted the Fox Network’s reality program “Hole in the Wall” from his TiVo Season Pass list after discovering the show had more to do with awkward body positioning and nothing to do with restroom stall “glory holes.”

“I am a little red-faced by this discovery, although one could say my palms are less reddened,” Craig said without a hint of humor in his voice. “I should’ve known that any risque content would have relegated the show to FX.”

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

The senator with the wide stance stumbled upon the show thanks to his Google Alerts for the name “Larry Craig.” One of the Google Alerts linked to a television blog that included a brief mention of “Hole in the Wall,” along with a comment that stated, “‘Hole in the Wall’? Sounds like the movie about the life of Larry Craig!!!! ROTFLMAO”

With curiosity piqued and a comment left on the TV blog—”L Craig like pussy bitchez”—Craig programmed his TiVo to record all new episodes of the reality show, modifying the recording settings to keep all episodes until Craig chose to delete them.

Craig took in the first recorded episode mere hours after its airing, and had high hopes for the show based on the first block of commercials. “There was one of those ‘Viva Viagra’ ads, followed by a [John] McCain attack ad on [Barack] Obama,” Craig said. “Both serve as aphrodisiacs for me.”

Craig’s excitement quickly subsided when he saw the show’s actual action. Contestants contort their bodies to match cutout shapes in walls that move toward the contestant at varying speeds. If the contestants fail to mirror the holes in the wall, they are sent sprawling into a pool of water.

The show was not a total loss, Craig reported. “I stuck with the show in its entirety–not a single bathroom stall. But seeing some of the more muscular contestants getting all wet and glistening, I guess that’s an OK consolation.”

Craig quickly penned a letter to Fox executives with a suggested spinoff: “Glory Hole in the Wall.”

More what Craig had in mind.

More what Craig had in mind.

The show—Craig suggested he could be the host—would have contestants attempt to fit (or contort) their sexual organs through various glory holes. The “winner” would advance to the bonus round, where he would sit in a public toilet stall adjacent to one occupied by Craig. The contestant would then have 10 seconds to successfully decode and respond to a series of Craig foot-tap sequences. The winner would receive a round-trip ticket to the Twin Cities, with Craig as a traveling partner.

“I know how this makes me sound,” Craig blurted out suddenly. “But really, I’m not sexist.”

AC/DC’s Wal-Mart deal seems unnecessary, Drake researcher says

DES MOINES, Iowa—Veteran rock outfit AC/DC’s deal to sell its forthcoming album exclusively in Wal-Mart stores shouldn’t really alter the landscape of AC/DC album sales, according to a recent statistical analysis.

As the rock community braces for the Oct. 20 U.S. release of Black Ice, a Drake University study has revealed that AC/DC might have unnecessarily entered into an exclusivity deal with retail behemoth Wal-Mart, given that 96.8 percent of the band’s discs sold in the United States since 1990 were purchased in a Wal-Mart or Sam’s Club store.

“This is like if Fall Out Boy decided to sell its licensed T-shirts exclusively at Hot Topic—to the fans, it would be business as usual,” said Stephen J. Danssler, associate professor of communication studies at Drake and lead author of the AC/DC research findings, which were published in the September issue of Kerrang! magazine. “I guess it’s nice to have a deal in writing, but AC/DC and Wally World have long been partners in the distribution of formulaic, redundant, mind-numbing butt rock.”

Indeed, the numbers found in the Drake study are staggering. Danssler’s report notes that Back in Black, an album that has seen sales topping 22 million in the United States, moved 94.3 percent of its post–1990 American sales through the warehouses and supercenters of Sam’s and Wal-Mart. Another 3.7 percent was sold at Midwestern Pamida stores; the remaining 2 percent was attributed to sales at the Iowa 80 truck stop just west of the Quad Cities.

“You can buy a lot of shit [at Iowa 80],” Danssler said. “Including AC/DC albums.”

Sales figures for the 1995 release Ballbreaker, according to Stephen Danssler's figures.

Sales breakdown by seller for the 1995 release Ballbreaker.

More recent releases, such as 1990’s The Razors [sic] Edge, 1995’s Ballbreaker, and 2000’s Stiff Upper Lip saw even greater sales numbers at Wal-Mart locations as Pamida vanished from the “rube retail” realm. In fact, according to Danssler’s figures, Stiff Upper Lip logged 99.2 percent of its sales from Wal-Mart/Sam’s Club; the remaining discs were sold at a Ben Franklin five-and-dime store in Cobblers Point, Wis., while that town’s Wal-Mart was closed for seven days following an immigration raid.

Danssler was asked about a couple of common factors that have eroded album sales in America’s typical brick-and-mortar shops: secondhand CD sales at used CD stores, and digital outlets such as iTunes Music Store.

“Let me address the first point, the used-CD stores,” Danssler said. “This has definitely hurt some bands in recent years. Frankly, if someone needs a copy of Motley Crue’s Decade of Decadence, that person can go to any Disc-Go-Round or Revitalized Vinyl and snag it for pennies.

“But when the ‘DC sells an album, most likely to a Wal-Mart patron, rest assured that that disc would never be resold, not even to the devil.”

On the topic of digital sales, Danssler snickered and said, “AC/DC fans don’t own computers.”

In a show of multidisciplinary cooperation, marketing faculty from Drake’s business school also contributed to the study, showing the untapped benefits Wal-Mart could gain from an official partnership with AC/DC.

“Wal-Mart’s shitty Dr. Pepper knockoff soda is called Dr. Thunder,” said Sam Gianno, faculty chair of Drake’s marketing department, during a phone interview to discuss his contribution to the study. “Now close your eyes for a second. Picture some mullet-headed stud, or perhaps a sweaty broad in a bikini, downing a big glass of brown fizzy refreshment.

“As the drinker continues to chug, you start to hear a guitar lick getting louder and louder. Suddenly a chant begins: THUNDER! NA-NA-NA-NA NA-NA-NA-NA! THUNDER! That’s right, ‘Thunderstruck’ teams up with Dr. Thunder.”

After letting out a bemused chuckle, Gianno adds, “If a 67-cent price tag can’t sell a 2-liter of that swill, I’m betting AC/DC can.”

John Mundt, Esq., contributed to this report.

“Suckfest ’08” accurate rather than ironic

GRINNELL, Iowa—After two days of ear-splitting noise performed under the guise of “music,” consensus was reached by Grinnell College students, faculty, and staffers that Suckfest ’08, a festival staged to welcome people back to the Grinnell campus, indeed was a fest with suck aplenty.

“I know the organizers probably thought it was totally ironic and/or cool to call this thing ‘Suckfest,’ but instead they look like visionaries,” said Grinnell junior Blake Anders. “It did truly suck farts.”

The event, which was staged on a green area in the heart of campus, featured myriad local musicians with very little songwriting ability, stage presence, or anything remotely resembling rhythm; and performance artists who often took the stage with household appliances or “found goods” to deliver their messages.

On Saturday, the festival’s opening day, no fewer than 18 area bands polluted the stage with tuneless ditties, which served as little more than transitional pieces between on-stage rants about “how the government is a bunch of fuckers, man” and how “it was bullshit that the Subway over there [gesture made in a general east-northeast direction] won’t accept the fuckin’ Subway Club stamps that I found in some dude’s glove compartment.”

Sunday wasn’t much better. After a so-so a cappella performance from a guy claiming to be the son of sound-effects guru Michael Winslow, the bill quickly went downhill. One performer clipped his fingernails and toenails, and then proceeded to auction them off as samples of his genetic makeup (the winning bid was eight Subway Club stamps); another performer lay down on a Casio keyboard and took a 35-minute nap. Jerome Gannt spent 16 minutes opening canned goods and dumping the contents on his head; Andy Andrews stared at a shoe he found on a nearby road, intermittently yelling “I’ve got sole!”

Legendary Grinnell-area noise rockers Church Wine Hangover closed the festival with a bunch of sucky songs.

Grinnell faculty member Terrance Moody had a theory on why the festival would choose a name with negative connotations, other than for the sake of accuracy.

“It’s like when African-Americans use the N-word as a pronoun for themselves and their like-skinned peers,” Moody said. “It disempowers the people who were going to use this term in derogatory fashion. The funny thing is, I don’t think it worked for the Suckfest ’08 people—I’m still telling all of my students how sucky this piece of shit festival was.”

Jeremiah Sloan, chair of the Suckfest ’08 planning committee, is undeterred. In fact, he said Suckfest ’09 is already in the works.

“It’s not my fault that some people just don’t get art,” Sloan said. “Fuckin’ townies.”