Nerd seeks impeachment of senior class president

REINBROOK, Iowa—The halls of Reinbrook High School were rattled by Alan Naife’s petition to have the senior class president impeached due to his involvement with freshman girls, a group often considered the mating pool for upperclassman social outcasts.

Naife, a senior who doubles as president of the Key Club, conducted a series of investigations that found that senior class president Brian Ashford has a long history of scoring with underclassman females at RHS.

Naife, who went public with his findings via the school’s public address system Wednesday morning, believes such conduct is unbecoming to one who holds such a lofty position in student government.

Petitioner Alan Naife

Petitioner Alan Naife

“The underclassman girls should be considered out of bounds for successful bucks such as Brian Ashford,” Naife said after wresting the microphone away from the office secretary. “I urge you to sign my petition to throw Brian Ashford out of office.

“If studs like Ashford and [starting varsity quarterback Jake] Thompson continue scoring with freshman chicks, who will be left for those of us clinging to the lower rungs of the social ladder?” Naife added before being told to report to his second-period trigonometry class.

The laundry list of lascivious acts attributed to President Ashford begins at the year’s opening football game, when Ashford brought freshman debutante Rachael Warner with him and fondled her breasts over her blouse during the halftime show. From that moment on, Warner showed absolutely no interest in anyone who was not a card-carrying member of the “in-crowd.”

Naife was able to obtain this information by positioning himself underneath the bleachers in a spot closer to the field than Ashford and Warner, allowing for a clear upward angle. “Don’t question my methods,” Naife said, shrugging.

Naife also cited a direct strike made against him at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Naife had brought freshman Alicia Tadlow with him to the dance, but she ended up going home with the senior commander-in-chief after several exhibitions of risqué dancing.

“I bring a girl to a dance and this guy has to move in on me?” Naife asked. “You would think he could have found his own date.”

When contacted about the matter, Tadlow said Naife was nothing more than a chauffeur that night.

“I am only 15, so I couldn’t drive myself to the dance, and at the same time, my mother probably wouldn’t allow me to date someone as wild and appealing as Brian, so he couldn’t come pick me up,” she said. “I figured that Naife dweeb wouldn’t have a date, and he wouldn’t have the dignity to spare himself the embarrassment of a social setting like Homecoming, so I asked him if he could give me a ride to the dance. I guess he thought I was asking him out, which is fucking hilarious!”

Few signing on dotted line

Naife’s petition is failing to gain traction with the student body—the document had a paltry seven signatures as of seventh period Wednesday. Some students chalked up their lack of support to the prudish language used throughout the seven-page petition: “Men in power should not use such lofty positions for sexual gain. A presidential candidate should be more concerned with study hall issues and improved library selection, not whether the freshman girls are willing to ‘get shocked,’ whatever that means.”

“I got to page three and wondered what this guy’s problem was,” said Jeff Alexander, a junior whose activities include varsity basketball, camping trips, and keg parties. “Who doesn’t like pussy?”

All seven signatures, one of which was Naife’s, came from “geeks,” according to several sources.

Even if Naife’s struggle had more sympathizers, the president does not fear impeachment.

“The governing body that would impeach me would be the Scholar Senate,” Ashford explained. “All the freshman senators are chicks—five of whom are on ‘the list.’ They’ll never get the necessary two-thirds vote.”


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