Slut wins state high school spelling bee

DES MOINES, Iowa—The Iowa State High School Spelling Bee, which featured 48 rounds of intellectual challenge, ended in a heated exchange between the runner-up and the three-man panel of judges after 17-year-old fuck-machine Stacey Mounds won the competition.

Sarina Brooks, a senior from Johnston High School who finished second, claimed that the judges favored Mounds, a senior from West Union.

“It was very obvious to everyone here that the judges were succumbing to that whore’s feminine wiles,” Brooks said. “I haven’t seen a contestant get words that simple since first grade.”

Brooks, who advanced to the state contest after winning the fantastic Polk County Spelling Bee, was the odds-on-favorite to win the state bee.

Mounds advanced from Fayette County by default.

“She was the only one to show up for the county qualifier,” said William Henry, principal of North Fayette High School. “Apparently she thought by showing up to the spelling bee, she would be guaranteed a ‘B’ in spelling—which, of course, is not a standalone subject for seniors in high school, but whatever. I suppose having an actual contest would’ve been trivia.”

After being nudged by a passerby and having something whispered in his ear, he added, “Er, trivial, I guess.”

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Each of the 99 counties sent a representative to the state contest. Many fell out early, but Mounds managed to advance to the final four along with Brooks, sophomore Don Thompson of Story County, and junior Jake Lee of Van Buren County.

“[Mounds] should’ve been off that stage after one round,” Brooks said. “It was a farce.”

But Mounds remained, dressed in halter top and cutoff jean shorts that revealed a fair amount of buttock and breast. Brooks contends that Mounds’ outfit, coupled with a tanned and toned body that was best suited for hours of lovemaking, was her key to an easy path.

While Brooks had to spell words such as “toonioperty” (a whimsical version of the many early forms of opportune, now obsolete), “couvrefu” (a chimney, literally meaning “cover the fire”), and “billingsgatry” (a language made famous at Billingsgate, one of two gates that controlled access to London via the Thames), Mounds was challenged with such words as hug, kiss, and boobs.

“Wonder what the judges had on their minds?” Brooks asked sarcastically.

By round 42, it was down to the two girls after Thompson missed “fulluht” (a safeguard against fairies’ turning a normal infant into a changeling) and Lee missed “sceamul” (a sturdy bench on which butchers displayed the meat of slaughtered animals).

And in Round 48, the judges—Wayne Seikel, 66, local carpenter; Jason Tatters, 19, fry cook; and Alex Wootz, 34, ex-high school football star/town drunk—stumped Brooks with the word “jizzdrain.”

“I had never heard the term before—completely foreign to me,” Brooks said. She spelled the word with one Z.

With the ball in her court, Mounds stepped to the mic and, much like last year’s North Fayette wrestling squad, she nailed it. She then admitted that she was quite familiar with the term.

“I can’t believe they used my nickname!” she announced.

Brooks plans to protest the bee, although she found educational value in the whole incident. “Learning the word ‘jizzdrain’ has softened the blow,” she said. “Yeah, blow—you know, Stacey’s word from Round 33.”

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