WASHINGTON—President Bush called an emergency press conference on Monday to plead with eccentric Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose to immediately release the long-awaited album Chinese Democracy in order to jump-start the woeful American economy.
“I remember waiting in line for the Illusion albums; boy, that was fun,” Bush said. “It seemed like every goshdarn one of us in Crawford made the trip to the Sam Goody that day. And now more than ever, America needs Axl Rose to unleash what most certainly will be a perfect GNR album.”
Bush, who entered the press room to the blaring intro of “Welcome to the Jungle,” said that the release of Chinese Democracy, currently scheduled for release in late November, would topple the first domino to economic recovery.
“My fellow Americans, putting new GNR material on the shelves of America’s retail sector is the answer to our prayers,” Bush said. “People of all backgrounds will head to their nearest Best Buy store to have this compact disc: the rich and the poor. The old and the young. The whites and the…well, the whites, anyhow.
“American dollars will flood the marketplace,” Bush continued. “The band will launch a tour, meaning music fans will spend top dollar for tickets, and everyone will burn a bunch of gasoline to travel. Numerous gigs will be canceled on a whim by Axl, causing riots, which will require more men in uniform to patrol the cities on the tour. Fines from civil disobedience tickets will puff up town coffers.
“Look at me—stimulating economies, creating jobs. All without Uncle Dick’s help.”
When asked why he thought anyone aside from the marginal meth-head would be interested in blowing his cash on an album that has been delayed countless times over the past decade, Bush pointed to Axl’s appeal: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”
At this point, Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money pointed out to Bush that not only was his proposal “asinine” but his last response was a straight lift of a quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bush responded by yelling, “You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk!”
Bush then stormed away from the podium to have a cigarette off-camera while waiting for a curtain call. The members of the press either sat in stunned silence or packed up their things, leaving White House press secretary Dana Perino little choice but to turn on the house lights, signaling the end of the show.
Axl Rose could not be reached for comment.