WASHINGTON—A clearly fatigued John McCain shocked the entire political spectrum today when he announced that he was leaning toward Rosie Ruiz as his running mate.
“At my age, I shouldn’t be running down the street, much less for president,” McCain snarled. “But people keep asking me, ‘Who’s your running mate going to be?’ ‘Who do you want to run with?’ I figured I should pick another person who really doesn’t like running long distances.”
Ruiz gained infamy in 1980—McCain was approximately 88 years old at the time—when she slipped out of the crowds at the Boston Marathon beyond the 25th mile point and sprinted to an apparent victory in record time. The hoax unraveled over the course of the following eight days, and she was stripped of her title.
“A lot of what I could learn from running with Señora Ruiz could translate well in this whole presidential contest,” McCain said. “If I could somehow appear to be the winner on ‘race day,’ the ball would be in the Supreme Court’s hands, and we all saw how that worked out for the GOP eight years ago.”
McCain punctuated his comment with a fist pump and a subsequent grimace.
Conservative talk radio hosts were livid with the choice, saying that fellow assholes in the GOP voting bloc would have a hard time accepting a woman who is also of Latin American descent.
“If McCain doesn’t understand that ‘running mate’ isn’t to be taken literally, the least he could do is pick Zola Budd,” said Mike Peebles, a Sean Hannity wannabe and host of “Right On!” on KDIK-AM690 in Iowa City. “At least Budd has a history of tripping up American heroes. Perhaps McCain could get Zola to pull a Mary Decker on Barack Obama.”
McCain backers hope McCain realizes the term “running mate” is simply a synonym for “vice president candidate” and chooses someone that can appeal to social conservatives.
“Let’s just pretend President Bush came up with the Ruiz idea, and move past it,” said McCain supporter Rich Summers. “Everyone would buy that.”
“But let’s not call the idea completely without merit,” interjected fellow McCain follower Steve Beach. “Ruiz is still a better pick than [Joe] Lieberman.”