Feeley

“I presume that the signing of a quarterback with a career completion rate of 53.8 percent is meant to light a fire under my ass,” Feeley scowled during a sparsely-attended press conference at Eagles camp on Friday. “Team brass obviously thinks I take for granted the mediocre standing one gains from being the emergency quarterback.

“But I swear to both of my fans, I will put forth just enough effort and make an adequate number of plays in practice to protect my status as the necessary evil on this roster,” Feeley added. “I dare Mike Vick to come in here and be average enough for the job.”

All reports stemming from the earth-shaking addition of Vick have made clear that the disgraced dogfighter will not compete with starting QB Donovan McNabb nor against prized youngster Kevin Kolb for their depth-chart positions. But Feeley was quick to note during his morning rant that it’s more important to look at what has been left unsaid: anything about A.J. Feeley.

“I guess I don’t fit in the Eagles’ plans anymore,” Feeley said. “Just when I was getting comfortable with the new clipboard, too—it just figures.”

Brian Jaxton, editor of the fanblog EaglesTakeOff.com, published a 1,500-word reaction to the Vick signing late Thursday night, but “Feeley” was not among those 1,500 words. “I kinda forgot he was on the team,” Jaxton said, flashing an insincere look of “my bad” to punctuate the statement.

PETA spokesperson Phil Denardo, in response to a question of whether his organization would rally around Mr. Feeley, uttered, “Who?”

Feeley, who speculated that the move was motivated by lagging A.J. Feeley jersey sales, said that he has a contingency plan if his pedestrian performance in camp isn’t rewarded by Philly.

“I’ll probably catch on with San Fran, which is where I thought Vick might land,” Feeley said. “I think either me or Vick could be the starter there. Those guys are horrible!”

REINBROOK, Iowa—The halls of Reinbrook High School were rattled by Alan Naife’s petition to have the senior class president impeached due to his involvement with freshman girls, a group often considered the mating pool for upperclassman social outcasts.

Naife, a senior who doubles as president of the Key Club, conducted a series of investigations that found that senior class president Brian Ashford has a long history of scoring with underclassman females at RHS.

Naife, who went public with his findings via the school’s public address system Wednesday morning, believes such conduct is unbecoming to one who holds such a lofty position in student government.

Petitioner Alan Naife

“If studs like Ashford and [starting varsity quarterback Jake] Thompson continue scoring with freshman chicks, who will be left for those of us clinging to the lower rungs of the social ladder?” Naife added before being told to report to his second-period trigonometry class.

The laundry list of lascivious acts attributed to President Ashford begins at the year’s opening football game, when Ashford brought freshman debutante Rachael Warner with him and fondled her breasts over her blouse during the halftime show. From that moment on, Warner showed absolutely no interest in anyone who was not a card-carrying member of the “in-crowd.”

Naife was able to obtain this information by positioning himself underneath the bleachers in a spot closer to the field than Ashford and Warner, allowing for a clear upward angle. “Don’t question my methods,” Naife said, shrugging.

Naife also cited a direct strike made against him at the Homecoming dance earlier in the year. Naife had brought freshman Alicia Tadlow with him to the dance, but she ended up going home with the senior commander-in-chief after several exhibitions of risqué dancing.

“I bring a girl to a dance and this guy has to move in on me?” Naife asked. “You would think he could have found his own date.”

When contacted about the matter, Tadlow said Naife was nothing more than a chauffeur that night.

“I am only 15, so I couldn’t drive myself to the dance, and at the same time, my mother probably wouldn’t allow me to date someone as wild and appealing as Brian, so he couldn’t come pick me up,” she said. “I figured that Naife dweeb wouldn’t have a date, and he wouldn’t have the dignity to spare himself the embarrassment of a social setting like Homecoming, so I asked him if he could give me a ride to the dance. I guess he thought I was asking him out, which is fucking hilarious!”

Few signing on dotted line

Naife’s petition is failing to gain traction with the student body—the document had a paltry seven signatures as of seventh period Wednesday. Some students chalked up their lack of support to the prudish language used throughout the seven-page petition: “Men in power should not use such lofty positions for sexual gain. A presidential candidate should be more concerned with study hall issues and improved library selection, not whether the freshman girls are willing to ‘get shocked,’ whatever that means.”

“I got to page three and wondered what this guy’s problem was,” said Jeff Alexander, a junior whose activities include varsity basketball, camping trips, and keg parties. “Who doesn’t like pussy?”

All seven signatures, one of which was Naife’s, came from “geeks,” according to several sources.

Even if Naife’s struggle had more sympathizers, the president does not fear impeachment.

“The governing body that would impeach me would be the Scholar Senate,” Ashford explained. “All the freshman senators are chicks—five of whom are on ‘the list.’ They’ll never get the necessary two-thirds vote.”

West Haven spirit squad members are unable to generate crowd enthusiasm due to their lack of spirit.

WEST HAVEN, Iowa—Area boys’ basketball fans left the West Haven Senior High season opener with heavy hearts, as the Cowboys were handily defeated by the Vikings of Decorah High School, 68–33.

The double whammy? There’s nobody to cheer them up.

The West Haven Senior High School spirit squad disbanded midway through the third quarter of Thursday’s game after the girls were confronted with the realization that they had no spirit whatsoever.

“It never crossed our minds to screen the girls for spirit during tryouts,” said spirit squad adviser Jeana Clinton. “We mainly wanted to make sure we could find enough girls who wouldn’t turn up at the games in a drunken stupor. A tall hurdle, trust me.”

The squad, composed of six female students from the sophomore, junior, and senior classes at West Haven, was mostly silent during the game’s first half, and a planned halftime dance routine was scratched when the spirit squad members bolted for the parking lot for a smoke break.

The Decorah cheerleaders, well-known for immense pride in their school’s athletic greatness, decided to unleash a traditional tactic from their playbook: in unison, they shouted “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how ’bout you?!?!” in the general direction of the West Haven girls.

The gym was relatively quiet, as the game was in the midst of a timeout when the harmonized question was lobbed across the court at the West Haven spirit squad. Looks of terror crossed the faces of the six girls, followed by expressions of realization and, one might say, relief.

West Haven spirit squad captain Kaitlyn Sommers threw up a “W” gesture with her thumbs and forefingers, symbolizing a “whatever” sentiment, and all six girls tossed aside their poms and headed for the nearest exit. The silent tension in the gym was finally shattered by the nerds in the West Haven student section, who yelled out, “Strawberry shortcake, banana split, your team plays like a pile of SHIFT TO THE LEFT, SHIFT TO THE RIGHT, STAND UP, SIT DOWN, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!”

A cursory reading of the tea leaves would have easily forecast the potential for desertion by the West Haven cheerleaders. The squad had struggled during the football season—aside from not leading the crowd in cheers a single time in nine games, the squad’s lone show of interest in the action on the field came from junior cheerleader Madison Jones, who entered an on-field melee initiated by her boyfriend, offensive tackle Bo Stevens, drawing a 15-yard penalty for unnecessary roughness in the process.

“It was arguably the highlight of the season,” said West Haven football coach Johnny Levi.

PHOENIX—The strategic brain trust behind Republican Sen. John McCain’s bid for the White House spent the wee hours of Tuesday evening trying to decide how to pronounce the word “pwned.”

“That word is found in every general election discussion on the Internet, talking about how our team fared tonight,” says Steve Schmidt, McCain’s chief strategist. “And it’s true: our showing could not be summed up any better. Now I need to figure out how to say the damned word.”

Schmidt figured it would be wise to use a tech-savvy word properly during the myriad media interviews he will be forced to attend over the next few days.

“I wish I had even a good guess,” Schmidt says. “Is it ‘pooned’? How about ‘poaned’? Or perhaps it’s more of a Q sound, like ‘pwenned.’

“The last time the GOP got ‘pwned,’ in 1996, this sort of fancyspeak wasn’t more than a glimmer in some online gamer’s eye,” he added. “So these are uncharted waters for me.”

Schmidt said his gut told him it should be pronounced “pooned,” although he seemed to face strenuous objections from working-class hero Joe the Plumber and uber-asshole Karl Rove—they both were leaning toward “poaned.”

Schmidt says he consulted vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who dodged the question while somehow managing to bring William Ayers into the conversation.

“Now that the media have called it for Obama, I can finally tell her to shut the fuck up,” Schmidt sighed.

African villagers traveled long distances to receive free champagne courtesy of the underperforming Chicago Cubs.

SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA—After finishing the regular season with 97 victories and home-field advantage throughout the National League playoffs, the Chicago Cubs decided it was OK to buy enough champagne to meet the demands of three locker-room celebrations.

Oops.

Each case of champagne included a handwritten note from Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry.

But Cubs officials decided to turn this questionable, jinx-fulfilling purchase into something positive: the team shipped nearly 347 cases of bubbly to an impoverished African village, reportedly located in a little-known area of Sierra Leone’s Bonthe district.

“If the [NFL's New England] Patriots can clothe Nicaraguans with their presumptive 19–0 T-shirts, then, by God, we can send some of our hastily purchased celebratory alcoholic beverage to Africans who are probably thirsty or something,” said Cubs PR man Jeff Skedsmanik. “Until [Alfonso] Soriano is removed from the leadoff spot and our infielders learn how to catch and/or throw, we won’t need the stuff anytime soon.”

Position players Aramis Ramirez, Kosuke Fukudome, and Ryan “The Riot” Theriot and pitchers Jason Marquis and Ryan Dempster accompanied the shipment to Africa. They were greeted with a hero’s welcome, thanks to an announcement that referred to the players as “2008 World Series champions.”

“What, like they’re going to figure out the truth?” Skedsmanik quipped.

Villagers lined up around the town square to obtain their share of the beverage. Many were disappointed that the Cubs hadn’t sent sport beverage or bottled water or first baseman Derrek Lee.

Tempers flared during the seventh inning of the stickball game between the villagers and the Cubs.

Nonetheless, the villagers gave the bubbly a try. Despite a few minor incidents—several villagers fell ill from the alcoholic drink, and Theriot managed to seriously injure a town elder with a stray flying cork—things reached a point where everyone seemed to be having a good time. The villagers ended up challenging the Cubs to a game of stickball, extending the Cubs’ losing streak in the process with a 13-4 beatdown.

“Best of 5?” asked Dempster, who took the loss after giving up eight earned runs in 3-2/3 innings pitched.

Despite the loss, the players who made the trip seemed upbeat.

“Hey, it’s all for the love of the game and your fellow man, albeit one who earns way less money than me,” said Ramirez, who went 0-for-4 with two strikeouts in the stickball game. “If it means we can do this next year, I can’t wait to choke in the playoffs again.”

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good if not better than the Illusions albums from 1991, which in turn will lead to economy stabilization.

WASHINGTON—President Bush called an emergency press conference on Monday to plead with eccentric Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose to immediately release the long-awaited album Chinese Democracy in order to jump-start the woeful American economy.

“I remember waiting in line for the Illusion albums; boy, that was fun,” Bush said. “It seemed like every goshdarn one of us in Crawford made the trip to the Sam Goody that day. And now more than ever, America needs Axl Rose to unleash what most certainly will be a perfect GNR album.”

Bush, who entered the press room to the blaring intro of “Welcome to the Jungle,” said that the release of Chinese Democracy, currently scheduled for release in late November, would topple the first domino to economic recovery.

“My fellow Americans, putting new GNR material on the shelves of America’s retail sector is the answer to our prayers,” Bush said. “People of all backgrounds will head to their nearest Best Buy store to have this compact disc: the rich and the poor. The old and the young. The whites and the…well, the whites, anyhow.

“American dollars will flood the marketplace,” Bush continued. “The band will launch a tour, meaning music fans will spend top dollar for tickets, and everyone will burn a bunch of gasoline to travel. Numerous gigs will be canceled on a whim by Axl, causing riots, which will require more men in uniform to patrol the cities on the tour. Fines from civil disobedience tickets will puff up town coffers.

“Look at me—stimulating economies, creating jobs. All without Uncle Dick’s help.”

When asked why he thought anyone aside from the marginal meth-head would be interested in blowing his cash on an album that has been delayed countless times over the past decade, Bush pointed to Axl’s appeal: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

At this point, Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money pointed out to Bush that not only was his proposal “asinine” but his last response was a straight lift of a quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bush responded by yelling, “You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk!”

Bush then stormed away from the podium to have a cigarette off-camera while waiting for a curtain call. The members of the press either sat in stunned silence or packed up their things, leaving White House press secretary Dana Perino little choice but to turn on the house lights, signaling the end of the show.

Axl Rose could not be reached for comment.

According to Rice Krispies management, Crackle (center) is no longer with the team.

“We have been looking up at Frosted Flakes, Wheaties, and Froot Loops in the standings for years, despite our league-leading payroll,” said D.B. Kellogg, general manager of the Krispies. “Our evaluation? Crackle can’t be counted on in crunch time.”

Crackle has played a key role for the Krispies for 40 years—he and fellow Krispies Snap and Pop formed the most formidable trio in cereal-aisle history. Yet Crackle’s contract was set to expire after the 2009 season, and team brass seemed reluctant to renegotiate his deal, given the team’s dismal returns of late.

While Snap and Pop signed long-term extensions before the 2008 season, Crackle and his agent, the iconic Mikey from Life Cereal, played hardball in their pursuit of riches that would rival the compensation packages of Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula.

“We knew our contract pitch to Mikey would be a hard sell,” Kellogg said. “As we all know, that kid has a real stubborn streak—he doesn’t like anything.”

The team took a hard stand, threatening to send Crackle down to Crispy Rice, the team’s affiliate in the Malt-O’-Meal League. After that threat failed and another unremarkable season passed, Kellogg sought a trade partner, and nearly pulled off an 11th-hour deal with Lucky Charms for Lucky the Leprechaun.

Might Threepio return to cereal?

“We didn’t see eye to eye with the folks at Lucky Charms,” Mikey said. “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk.”

While Crackle will seek new employment via free agency, the Krispies will look to maintain the three-player dynamic. A new middle man could come from a trade—rumor has it that King Vitamin wants to leave the throne for one shot at a championship ring—or by making a pitch to a retired legend.

“Maybe C-3PO would want to get back in the cereal game,” Kellogg said. “Our new catchphrase could be ‘Snap, Babble, Pop.’”

DES MOINES, Iowa—The Iowa State High School Spelling Bee, which featured 48 rounds of intellectual challenge, ended in a heated exchange between the runner-up and the three-man panel of judges after 17-year-old fuck-machine Stacey Mounds won the competition.

Sarina Brooks, a senior from Johnston High School who finished second, claimed that the judges favored Mounds, a senior from West Union.

“It was very obvious to everyone here that the judges were succumbing to that whore’s feminine wiles,” Brooks said. “I haven’t seen a contestant get words that simple since first grade.”

Brooks, who advanced to the state contest after winning the fantastic Polk County Spelling Bee, was the odds-on-favorite to win the state bee.

Mounds advanced from Fayette County by default.

“She was the only one to show up for the county qualifier,” said William Henry, principal of North Fayette High School. “Apparently she thought by showing up to the spelling bee, she would be guaranteed a ‘B’ in spelling—which, of course, is not a standalone subject for seniors in high school, but whatever. I suppose having an actual contest would’ve been trivia.”

After being nudged by a passerby and having something whispered in his ear, he added, “Er, trivial, I guess.”

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

“[Mounds] should’ve been off that stage after one round,” Brooks said. “It was a farce.”

But Mounds remained, dressed in halter top and cutoff jean shorts that revealed a fair amount of buttock and breast. Brooks contends that Mounds’ outfit, coupled with a tanned and toned body that was best suited for hours of lovemaking, was her key to an easy path.

While Brooks had to spell words such as “toonioperty” (a whimsical version of the many early forms of opportune, now obsolete), “couvrefu” (a chimney, literally meaning “cover the fire”), and “billingsgatry” (a language made famous at Billingsgate, one of two gates that controlled access to London via the Thames), Mounds was challenged with such words as hug, kiss, and boobs.

“Wonder what the judges had on their minds?” Brooks asked sarcastically.

By round 42, it was down to the two girls after Thompson missed “fulluht” (a safeguard against fairies’ turning a normal infant into a changeling) and Lee missed “sceamul” (a sturdy bench on which butchers displayed the meat of slaughtered animals).

And in Round 48, the judges—Wayne Seikel, 66, local carpenter; Jason Tatters, 19, fry cook; and Alex Wootz, 34, ex-high school football star/town drunk—stumped Brooks with the word “jizzdrain.”

“I had never heard the term before—completely foreign to me,” Brooks said. She spelled the word with one Z.

With the ball in her court, Mounds stepped to the mic and, much like last year’s North Fayette wrestling squad, she nailed it. She then admitted that she was quite familiar with the term.

“I can’t believe they used my nickname!” she announced.

Brooks plans to protest the bee, although she found educational value in the whole incident. “Learning the word ‘jizzdrain’ has softened the blow,” she said. “Yeah, blow—you know, Stacey’s word from Round 33.”

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

EAGLE, Idaho—Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, recently deleted the Fox Network’s reality program “Hole in the Wall” from his TiVo Season Pass list after discovering the show had more to do with awkward body positioning and nothing to do with restroom stall “glory holes.”

“I am a little red-faced by this discovery, although one could say my palms are less reddened,” Craig said without a hint of humor in his voice. “I should’ve known that any risque content would have relegated the show to FX.”

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

With curiosity piqued and a comment left on the TV blog—”L Craig like pussy bitchez”—Craig programmed his TiVo to record all new episodes of the reality show, modifying the recording settings to keep all episodes until Craig chose to delete them.

Craig took in the first recorded episode mere hours after its airing, and had high hopes for the show based on the first block of commercials. “There was one of those ‘Viva Viagra’ ads, followed by a [John] McCain attack ad on [Barack] Obama,” Craig said. “Both serve as aphrodisiacs for me.”

Craig’s excitement quickly subsided when he saw the show’s actual action. Contestants contort their bodies to match cutout shapes in walls that move toward the contestant at varying speeds. If the contestants fail to mirror the holes in the wall, they are sent sprawling into a pool of water.

The show was not a total loss, Craig reported. “I stuck with the show in its entirety–not a single bathroom stall. But seeing some of the more muscular contestants getting all wet and glistening, I guess that’s an OK consolation.”

Craig quickly penned a letter to Fox executives with a suggested spinoff: “Glory Hole in the Wall.”

More what Craig had in mind.

“I know how this makes me sound,” Craig blurted out suddenly. “But really, I’m not sexist.”

Stacey Carosi hides her face while entering the Bayside Police Station on Tuesday.

BAYSIDE, Calif.—Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski-Morris were found dead Tuesday in their Bayside residence, and Stacey Carosi, a beach resort heiress who once had a summer fling with Mr. Morris, is among seven women apprehended in connection with the slayings.

Zack and Kelly, in happier times.

“It appears Morris’s short attention span in the romance game finally caught up to him,” said Albert Tuttle, Bayside chief of police and brother of one of the multipurpose educators at Bayside High. “Carosi’s meaningless romance lasted nearly a summer, which seems to have put her in the position of gang leader here, but she hardly acted alone.”

Along with Carosi, Bayside law enforcement are holding the following young women for their alleged roles in the killings:

• Danielle, who as a college student would occasionally rendezvous with Morris at the trendy dance club The Attic.
• Wendy, the overweight gal who blew her life savings to buy a date with Morris, which officially lasted about 92 seconds.
• Kristi, the female wrestler who during a date at The Max defended Morris from a sure ass-whipping by a Valley tough.
• Melissa, a wheelchair-bound damsel who met Morris via an advice hotline and eventually inspired Morris and his friends to feel like shit for having full mobility.
• Jennifer, a former lover of Bayside classmate Albert Clifford (aka A.C.) Slater who became sloppy seconds for Morris for a day or two.
• J.B. Slater, sibling of A.C. Slater who attended Bayside High School for approximately six days and was on the receiving end of Morris’s doo-wop skills during a performance by The Five Aces.

Morris’s dating pattern was consistent with all of the suspects: he would give the relationship a chance for a limited period of time, then allow things to end, often in the middle of a dance or shared milk shake. The young ladies would then disappear from Bayside, while Morris would resume his pursuit of Kapowski.

“I find it strange that A.C. would remain friends with this Morris character, seeing as his ex-girlfriend and his sister went missing shortly after their relationships with Morris apparently hit the skids,” Tuttle said.

As it happened, the women had not vanished but had merely relocated to Carosi’s resort, where they enjoyed a communal lifestyle while Carosi developed their murderous plot, which Bayside cops say was put into action late Monday night.

The women left behind a gruesome crime scene inside the Morrises’ bungalow. Morris had been bludgeoned with his outdated, oversized cellular phone; Kapowski-Morris had been bound by her lifeguard whistle, run over by a small vehicle (presumably Melissa’s chair), and then asphyxiated, likely by Wendy the large gal smothering Kapowski with her girth.

Most disturbing, however, was a message written in what appeared to be Morris’s blood on one of the interior walls: “Friends Forever.”

“That will haunt me for all of my days,” Tuttle said. “I’ll never be able to listen to that song again.”

Friends Forever was scrawled on an interior wall in what appears to be Morris's blood.

Bayside cops could have faced a long list of suspects in the Morris slayings—it’s no secret that Mr. Morris had crossed many people during his life. Principal Richard Belding was constantly at odds with Morris. A.C. Slater watched Morris marry the foxy Kapowski after banging Slater’s ex and Slater’s sister. The Bayside dorks and nerds were targets of constant putdowns and financial scams. And Tori Scott, who once dated Morris, seemed like the kind of badass who could kill.

But Carosi’s gang came forward with confessions just before dawn Tuesday, saving the police a lot of legwork. According to James Patovich, who represents Kristi the wrestler, everyone but Carosi had no idea what to do next, as their lives always seemed to “hit the end credits” at the moment of climax. So they turned themselves in, figuring their roles were inconsequential from this point onward.

Principal Belding mourns at The Max while wearing a Johnny Dakota jacket.

A.C. Slater and on-again/off-again girlfriend Jessie Spano delivered a heartwrenching rendition of “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” at a Tuesday night vigil in downtown Bayside. A historically accurate ritual was performed by Native American relatives of Chief Running Zack. And Principal Belding canceled a raft trip with his brother Rod and dove head-first into a drunken stupor at The Max.

“My life sucks,” Belding said.

Samuel Powers was not contacted for comment.