Philanthropic Cubs give unused champagne to poor African villagers

African villagers traveled long distances to receive free champagne courtesy of the underperforming Chicago Cubs.

SOMEWHERE IN AFRICA—After finishing the regular season with 97 victories and home-field advantage throughout the National League playoffs, the Chicago Cubs decided it was OK to buy enough champagne to meet the demands of three locker-room celebrations.

Oops.

Each case of champagne included a handwritten note from Cubs G.M. Jim Hendry.

But Cubs officials decided to turn this questionable, jinx-fulfilling purchase into something positive: the team shipped nearly 347 cases of bubbly to an impoverished African village, reportedly located in a little-known area of Sierra Leone’s Bonthe district.

“If the [NFL's New England] Patriots can clothe Nicaraguans with their presumptive 19–0 T-shirts, then, by God, we can send some of our hastily purchased celebratory alcoholic beverage to Africans who are probably thirsty or something,” said Cubs PR man Jeff Skedsmanik. “Until [Alfonso] Soriano is removed from the leadoff spot and our infielders learn how to catch and/or throw, we won’t need the stuff anytime soon.”

Position players Aramis Ramirez, Kosuke Fukudome, and Ryan “The Riot” Theriot and pitchers Jason Marquis and Ryan Dempster accompanied the shipment to Africa. They were greeted with a hero’s welcome, thanks to an announcement that referred to the players as “2008 World Series champions.”

“What, like they’re going to figure out the truth?” Skedsmanik quipped.

Villagers lined up around the town square to obtain their share of the beverage. Many were disappointed that the Cubs hadn’t sent sport beverage or bottled water or first baseman Derrek Lee.

Tempers flared during the seventh inning of the stickball game between the villagers and the Cubs.

Nonetheless, the villagers gave the bubbly a try. Despite a few minor incidents—several villagers fell ill from the alcoholic drink, and Theriot managed to seriously injure a town elder with a stray flying cork—things reached a point where everyone seemed to be having a good time. The villagers ended up challenging the Cubs to a game of stickball, extending the Cubs’ losing streak in the process with a 13-4 beatdown.

“Best of 5?” asked Dempster, who took the loss after giving up eight earned runs in 3-2/3 innings pitched.

Despite the loss, the players who made the trip seemed upbeat.

“Hey, it’s all for the love of the game and your fellow man, albeit one who earns way less money than me,” said Ramirez, who went 0-for-4 with two strikeouts in the stickball game. “If it means we can do this next year, I can’t wait to choke in the playoffs again.”

Bush’s economy plan: Immediate release of Chinese Democracy

President Bush thinks the new Guns N Roses album will be just as good if not better than the Illusions albums from 1991, which in turn will lead to economy stabilization.

WASHINGTON—President Bush called an emergency press conference on Monday to plead with eccentric Guns N’ Roses front man Axl Rose to immediately release the long-awaited album Chinese Democracy in order to jump-start the woeful American economy.

“I remember waiting in line for the Illusion albums; boy, that was fun,” Bush said. “It seemed like every goshdarn one of us in Crawford made the trip to the Sam Goody that day. And now more than ever, America needs Axl Rose to unleash what most certainly will be a perfect GNR album.”

Bush, who entered the press room to the blaring intro of “Welcome to the Jungle,” said that the release of Chinese Democracy, currently scheduled for release in late November, would topple the first domino to economic recovery.

“My fellow Americans, putting new GNR material on the shelves of America’s retail sector is the answer to our prayers,” Bush said. “People of all backgrounds will head to their nearest Best Buy store to have this compact disc: the rich and the poor. The old and the young. The whites and the…well, the whites, anyhow.

“American dollars will flood the marketplace,” Bush continued. “The band will launch a tour, meaning music fans will spend top dollar for tickets, and everyone will burn a bunch of gasoline to travel. Numerous gigs will be canceled on a whim by Axl, causing riots, which will require more men in uniform to patrol the cities on the tour. Fines from civil disobedience tickets will puff up town coffers.

“Look at me—stimulating economies, creating jobs. All without Uncle Dick’s help.”

When asked why he thought anyone aside from the marginal meth-head would be interested in blowing his cash on an album that has been delayed countless times over the past decade, Bush pointed to Axl’s appeal: “Oh, he’s very popular, Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads—they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.”

At this point, Jim Cramer of CNBC’s Mad Money pointed out to Bush that not only was his proposal “asinine” but his last response was a straight lift of a quote from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Bush responded by yelling, “You wanna antagonize me? Antagonize me, motherfucker! Get in the ring, motherfucker! And I’ll kick your bitchy little ass! Punk!”

Bush then stormed away from the podium to have a cigarette off-camera while waiting for a curtain call. The members of the press either sat in stunned silence or packed up their things, leaving White House press secretary Dana Perino little choice but to turn on the house lights, signaling the end of the show.

Axl Rose could not be reached for comment.

Feeling the crunch: Rice Krispies release legendary Crackle

According to Rice Krispies management, Crackle (center) is no longer with the team.

CHICAGO—In the wake of another disappointing season and facing the prospect of an astronomical payroll, breakfast cereal behemoth Rice Krispies announced the release of center mascot Crackle on Thursday.

“We have been looking up at Frosted Flakes, Wheaties, and Froot Loops in the standings for years, despite our league-leading payroll,” said D.B. Kellogg, general manager of the Krispies. “Our evaluation? Crackle can’t be counted on in crunch time.”

Crackle has played a key role for the Krispies for 40 years—he and fellow Krispies Snap and Pop formed the most formidable trio in cereal-aisle history. Yet Crackle’s contract was set to expire after the 2009 season, and team brass seemed reluctant to renegotiate his deal, given the team’s dismal returns of late.

While Snap and Pop signed long-term extensions before the 2008 season, Crackle and his agent, the iconic Mikey from Life Cereal, played hardball in their pursuit of riches that would rival the compensation packages of Tony the Tiger and Count Chocula.

“We knew our contract pitch to Mikey would be a hard sell,” Kellogg said. “As we all know, that kid has a real stubborn streak—he doesn’t like anything.”

The team took a hard stand, threatening to send Crackle down to Crispy Rice, the team’s affiliate in the Malt-O’-Meal League. After that threat failed and another unremarkable season passed, Kellogg sought a trade partner, and nearly pulled off an 11th-hour deal with Lucky Charms for Lucky the Leprechaun.

Might Threepio return to cereal?

However, Crackle insisted that any deal with Lucky Charms would include a clause allowing the administering of physical harm to any young children trying to make off with his Lucky Charms. The deal fell through, leaving the Krispies no choice but to cut ties with their longtime pitchman.

“We didn’t see eye to eye with the folks at Lucky Charms,” Mikey said. “There’s no sense crying over spilled milk.”

While Crackle will seek new employment via free agency, the Krispies will look to maintain the three-player dynamic. A new middle man could come from a trade—rumor has it that King Vitamin wants to leave the throne for one shot at a championship ring—or by making a pitch to a retired legend.

“Maybe C-3PO would want to get back in the cereal game,” Kellogg said. “Our new catchphrase could be ‘Snap, Babble, Pop.’”

Slut wins state high school spelling bee

DES MOINES, Iowa—The Iowa State High School Spelling Bee, which featured 48 rounds of intellectual challenge, ended in a heated exchange between the runner-up and the three-man panel of judges after 17-year-old fuck-machine Stacey Mounds won the competition.

Sarina Brooks, a senior from Johnston High School who finished second, claimed that the judges favored Mounds, a senior from West Union.

“It was very obvious to everyone here that the judges were succumbing to that whore’s feminine wiles,” Brooks said. “I haven’t seen a contestant get words that simple since first grade.”

Brooks, who advanced to the state contest after winning the fantastic Polk County Spelling Bee, was the odds-on-favorite to win the state bee.

Mounds advanced from Fayette County by default.

“She was the only one to show up for the county qualifier,” said William Henry, principal of North Fayette High School. “Apparently she thought by showing up to the spelling bee, she would be guaranteed a ‘B’ in spelling—which, of course, is not a standalone subject for seniors in high school, but whatever. I suppose having an actual contest would’ve been trivia.”

After being nudged by a passerby and having something whispered in his ear, he added, “Er, trivial, I guess.”

Sports bars across Iowa were packed as dudes flocked to watch Stacey Mounds compete in the State High School Spelling Bee.

Each of the 99 counties sent a representative to the state contest. Many fell out early, but Mounds managed to advance to the final four along with Brooks, sophomore Don Thompson of Story County, and junior Jake Lee of Van Buren County.

“[Mounds] should’ve been off that stage after one round,” Brooks said. “It was a farce.”

But Mounds remained, dressed in halter top and cutoff jean shorts that revealed a fair amount of buttock and breast. Brooks contends that Mounds’ outfit, coupled with a tanned and toned body that was best suited for hours of lovemaking, was her key to an easy path.

While Brooks had to spell words such as “toonioperty” (a whimsical version of the many early forms of opportune, now obsolete), “couvrefu” (a chimney, literally meaning “cover the fire”), and “billingsgatry” (a language made famous at Billingsgate, one of two gates that controlled access to London via the Thames), Mounds was challenged with such words as hug, kiss, and boobs.

“Wonder what the judges had on their minds?” Brooks asked sarcastically.

By round 42, it was down to the two girls after Thompson missed “fulluht” (a safeguard against fairies’ turning a normal infant into a changeling) and Lee missed “sceamul” (a sturdy bench on which butchers displayed the meat of slaughtered animals).

And in Round 48, the judges—Wayne Seikel, 66, local carpenter; Jason Tatters, 19, fry cook; and Alex Wootz, 34, ex-high school football star/town drunk—stumped Brooks with the word “jizzdrain.”

“I had never heard the term before—completely foreign to me,” Brooks said. She spelled the word with one Z.

With the ball in her court, Mounds stepped to the mic and, much like last year’s North Fayette wrestling squad, she nailed it. She then admitted that she was quite familiar with the term.

“I can’t believe they used my nickname!” she announced.

Brooks plans to protest the bee, although she found educational value in the whole incident. “Learning the word ‘jizzdrain’ has softened the blow,” she said. “Yeah, blow—you know, Stacey’s word from Round 33.”

Larry Craig: Fox’s “Hole in the Wall” not what I expected

Not quite the hole-in-wall action certain senators were hoping for.

EAGLE, Idaho—Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, recently deleted the Fox Network’s reality program “Hole in the Wall” from his TiVo Season Pass list after discovering the show had more to do with awkward body positioning and nothing to do with restroom stall “glory holes.”

“I am a little red-faced by this discovery, although one could say my palms are less reddened,” Craig said without a hint of humor in his voice. “I should’ve known that any risque content would have relegated the show to FX.”

Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho

The senator with the wide stance stumbled upon the show thanks to his Google Alerts for the name “Larry Craig.” One of the Google Alerts linked to a television blog that included a brief mention of “Hole in the Wall,” along with a comment that stated, “‘Hole in the Wall’? Sounds like the movie about the life of Larry Craig!!!! ROTFLMAO”

With curiosity piqued and a comment left on the TV blog—”L Craig like pussy bitchez”—Craig programmed his TiVo to record all new episodes of the reality show, modifying the recording settings to keep all episodes until Craig chose to delete them.

Craig took in the first recorded episode mere hours after its airing, and had high hopes for the show based on the first block of commercials. “There was one of those ‘Viva Viagra’ ads, followed by a [John] McCain attack ad on [Barack] Obama,” Craig said. “Both serve as aphrodisiacs for me.”

Craig’s excitement quickly subsided when he saw the show’s actual action. Contestants contort their bodies to match cutout shapes in walls that move toward the contestant at varying speeds. If the contestants fail to mirror the holes in the wall, they are sent sprawling into a pool of water.

The show was not a total loss, Craig reported. “I stuck with the show in its entirety–not a single bathroom stall. But seeing some of the more muscular contestants getting all wet and glistening, I guess that’s an OK consolation.”

Craig quickly penned a letter to Fox executives with a suggested spinoff: “Glory Hole in the Wall.”

More what Craig had in mind.

The show—Craig suggested he could be the host—would have contestants attempt to fit (or contort) their sexual organs through various glory holes. The “winner” would advance to the bonus round, where he would sit in a public toilet stall adjacent to one occupied by Craig. The contestant would then have 10 seconds to successfully decode and respond to a series of Craig foot-tap sequences. The winner would receive a round-trip ticket to the Twin Cities, with Craig as a traveling partner.

“I know how this makes me sound,” Craig blurted out suddenly. “But really, I’m not sexist.”